In a supplement and extension of last week’s remarks about the idiocy of Pittsburgh’s drivers… I also have to question their basic reading comprehension and ability to recognize signs on the road.

I must report a massive win for Our Congregation.

But, first: Your obligatory back story.  For years when The Campus was located south of the Liberty Tubes many of Us who rely on Port Authority would have to face the inevitable “Smithfield Wait” as idiots would clog up the intersection of Smithfield and Boulevard of the Allies.  This, often during rush hour and other peak traffic times, would create the Sea of Exhaust as the line of buses would be viewable from my office window all the way down to 6th Avenue.  One dreary winter day I decided to take a pilgrimage (please, do not confuse this with the Hajj) down to 6th, took a left and continued down 6th to Wood and then turning left again on to Wood.  Wood was then backed up with buses all the way to halfway between 5th and Forbes.

Shit.  This was on a Friday. People wanted to get home, out of the cold and start drinking the memories of the work week away.  But they couldn’t. Why? Because of asshole drivers (which were recently called the most courteous) turning right and /or left on red and blocking the buses from making any forward progress.

Some bus drivers would attempt to subvert this behavior by pulling up only as far as they needed and hold back some of the flow from the Boulevard - which usually resulted in drivers attempting to pass the bus or pulling directly behind it and usually blocking traffic on the Boulevard - gridlock.

I, personally, wrote several letters over the years to the City, County and Port Authority - along with pictures - suggesting that during rush hour (4pm to 7pm) that the single lane of Smithfield south-bound between Boulevard and Fort Pitt be a HOV / Bus only lane in hopes that I may get home in timely manner and not be compelled to wait in the cold or rain as my bus was delayed by assholes.

It seems they finally were seen by someone or someone in a position of power finally had a moment of clarity or common sense and took some action.

They, took it one step further and made it Buses only, all the time last Thursday or Friday.  Now, considering I work in this little, but heavily trafficked corridor of Smithfield it kind of sucks, but for the higher purpose it servers I am thankful.

Checking from the otherside of the street:

Lenny: George, what are these orange barriers? Are they for the rabbits, George?
George: No, Lenny, those are there to stop drivers from turning left.
Lenny: Shame, I thought they were for the rabbits. Wait, that guy just turned left and almost hit that guy. You said they couldn’t turn here, what if that guy walking was a rabbit and hit him?

note: there was someone who walked across the street, was almost hit and had to run to avoid this stupid-looking SUV.  He is behind it in this picture - also take notice of the car all the way to the left:

because there they are!

However, I have yet to see one driver get pulled for turning here.  Where are the officers that are so trigger happy to ticket drivers when it comes to any other part of the Smithfield Bus Lane?  Perhaps they haven’t yet received the memo about the changes to this intersection.

With one of Our goals for 2008 finally out of the way, We can focus on getting the entire Bush Administration charged by the Hague for War Crimes.  That is more of a 2009 goal as Congress doesn’t have the balls to Impeach Bush or Cheney.

I don’t care what Auto Vantage said.  Pittsburgh’s drivers are some of the most inept people on the road.  We sponsored Our own independent survey and found most Pittsburgh drivers to be idiots and have no sense of right or left. Our study also shows that the blood pressure of Our Congregation is higher in Pittsburgh than it is in other cities. This study already factors in the constant construction on the Parkway and city streets.

Take for instance My driving experience last night. I’m behind a vintage blue Toyota Corolla with the driver cruising along Ellsworth at a brisk fifteen miles per hour while approaching a light that just turned green.  However, by the time we actually reached the light it was back to red.  There’s no excuse for this madness.

Later, I’m behind a car on one of Pittsburgh’s many one way streets approaching a light.  The driver in front of me signals (far ahead of the light) that they are going to turn left and in a move which is bereft of common sense: the drivers moves all the way over to the RIGHT then angles the car back to the LEFT.  Why is this a problem? Well, because I wanted to make a legal right turn on red.

The driver in front of me seemed genuinely confused as to why I shouted out my window that they were a clueless asshole and should have their license suspended until their common sense skills develop.  Considering this person was easily in their forties, I don’t think they should hold much hope.  However, the situation did have the benefit of providing some amusement for the people waiting at the bus stop.

So I usually will take the bus to not increase my blood pressure - but then there’s the problem of mass transit in general.  I have a new solution to the Port Authority’s blood letting-like practive of hemoraging money:  follow what the airlines do when it comes to extra large passengers - charge them double.  I don’t need to be pressed against the window of the bus (who knows what germs are present from the crappin’ kids that are brought on by their parents or the other people who fail to bathe daily :shudder:

Charging them double the fare would raise money for the Port Auth and also motivate people to lose weight and get in shape. It’s win-win! Why are we not doing this?  I will tell you why: The extra-large people can easily manipulate matter (read: Me) with their extra-large hands and force other passengers through the window when it’s suggested, under one’s breath, that they should go pay another $2 dollars to ride the bus. How he heard me over his labored breathing I cannot answer.

Big Guy (bg): [ encroaching on my space ]
BG: [ labored breathing ]
CL (under my breath): Port Authority should take a hint from the airlines and charge some people double
BG: The airlines can only get away with that because most people cannot fit through the oval-shaped window when thrown.
CL: Touche [ I hate this term, but it is fitting ]
BG: [ more labored breathing ]

I’ll give him credit for that.  Would I be the only one who is disappointed that the labored breathing is not in a manner like Darth Vader? I guess it’s a blessing in disguise since he could have then force-pushed me out the window or force-choked me and no one would be the wiser.

I also almost missed my stop (usually people are chasing the bus to get on, very rarely are they hindered from getting off the bus) because said large passenger CANNOT GET OUT OF THE SEAT.  I held my tongue even though it was tempting to say, “I’ve scaled Everest, I think I can scale you to get off the bus.”

All that he was missing was an oxygen tank and a motorized kart.