Animated puppet-master Dan Oronato did his best political-spin talk last night in his movement to justify his drink tax on Allegheny County. The Spin was worthy of sound-bites usually spewed from the mouth of George W. Bush. Oronato’s black-and-white rhetoric was so dizzying that it was hard to tell if he suffered from the same double-speak of which Bush is also fond.

Drink tax or Property tax? Let’s see, how about forcing your buddies at the Port Authority to fix their problems? How about having an independent commission appoint someone coherent and not delusional to run the Port Authority in the useless and inept CEO’s stead?

“Onorato is clearly color-blind,” one attendee stated after the hearing, asking not to be named for his job working under the council. “It must be devastating to see only things in pen and ink, like a bad photocopy. I weep for his children. I wonder if he taxes his own children for the milk they drink.” Another chimed in, “[Onorato]’s like a child and it’s either this Tonka Toy or a Transformer, he doesn’t see the budding and mind-opening potential of the Lego sets in the corner. He’s truly a disaster and I fear for Allegheny County.”

Oronato is Schillinger and the County is Beecher; and in this case Oronato clearly has a hard-on for fucking the county further and making it his bitch.

Unfortunately, even those who attempted to stand up to Oronato failed to deliver any ideas of their own. I am of the opinion this was staged by Oronato himself (notice his animated movements, clearly he is pulling strings on his marionettes - or he’s using The Force, which is highly unlikely) or was working along with the callow councilpersons to further establish Oronato’s hard-line stance of the County’s drinking. You know who else had hard-line stances on things and wouldn’t budge… that’s right.

The only thing Oronato would not talk about, surprisingly, was his $5,000 dollar suit. C’MON!

If Oronato attempts to impose his hard-line rule over Us, it may be time to move to Project 2. I hear there is a Committee which has formed to discuss the Moonshine operations and ways to make it safe for human consumption. I do look forward to the Committee’s findings and if it is financially sound, We will move to the next Round.

Pittsburgh is getting a bioterror lab. They are just waiting for an upgrade for the water line, which hopefully should reduce the risk of bio-terrors from the Allegheny river.

We’d better start drinking. To make the new Oronato Tax remotely effective, Allegheny county would have to drink well over 150 million alcoholic beverages. I’m sure Steeler Nation could step it up a bit to make it easier. Especially to drown out the memories of last Saturday’s loss to Jacksonville.

Converted into poured liquor taxes, figuring the new 10 percent tax on a $2 bottle of beer, we’d have to drink 5,315,810 beers just to pick up the parachute tab for just this one retiree.

The Port Authority’s former CEO will additionally get $108,798 in retirement income from the Port Authority each year from 2005 until 2014. That’s another $1,087,980 — the tax on 5,439,900 more beers.

After 2014, the former CEO receives $102,798 every year for life. If he’s lucky enough to make it to 90, that’s $3,083,940 — the tax on another 15,419,700 beers.

We have our work cut out for us. Way to mis-manage, guys! The rest of the country now has a template on how to abuse the very people they serve in numerous ways.

Pittsburgh seniors will have to wait until May 2009 to dump their life savings and social security checks. This will not have an affect on Us since We have been pre-emptively banned from the casino. However, Those who live on the North Shore / Side may have increased traffic nightmares since our proposal for traffic prosperity was denied.

Fear-monger Pat Robertson has predicted more doom and gloom for the world in 2008 even after his prophesied nuclear attack of 2007 failed to happen.

“I also believe the Lord was saying by 2009, maybe 2010, there’s going to be a major stock market crash,” said Robertson, who is a millionaire businessman as well as an evangelical leader.

But don’t unload your portfolio just yet. Robertson acknowledged Wednesday that his prophecy of a nuclear terror attack in 2007 failed to unfold.

He also cited information from God when he predicted on a year go that major U.S. cities would be hit by “very serious terrorist attacks” causing “possibly millions” of deaths.

Perhaps Robertson should hide in a cave, inhale natural gas (or smoke some opium) and give long-term predictions. Look how well they worked for Nostradamus. I wrote Mr. Robertson in October of 2007 offering my own visions for what 2008 would bring Us as well as the rest of the world. Also if he would care to comment on the rise of the Twelve Tribes of Israel and their effect on Scientology and aliens. Mr. Robertson’s assistant replied that he was offended of our blasphemous words and that our Order was a threat to world peace.

I look forward to his prophecies in 2011 about 2012. Perhaps Mr. Robertson would like to make some predictions about Port Authority?

“When this baby hits 88 miles-per-hour, you’re going to see some serious shit.”

A 21-year-old Florida woman has pleaded guilty in connection with the death of an unborn child during a drag race in 2006 in Westmoreland County.

…

Eighteen-year-old Nicole Clark was a passenger in the car that was hit. She was four months pregnant and lost the baby as a result.

Authorities say Ms. Schaub was driving at 88 mph in a 40 mph zone seconds before the crash.

Doc Brown, your calculations were correct. Even though Our time-travel experiments will continue, I want to point out that simply causing a four-month life-reset is not time travel. It may be a loop-hole, however.

I’m calling it first: Oronato, if he runs for governor and is elected, will impose a state-wide Drink Oronato Tax. The Allegheny County Oronato Tax will, of course, not be redacted and it will become twenty percent in the county. I have already started making preparations for Us to begin brewing Our own selections of beer. Unlike during prohibition, We will not rekindle Our moonshine business. The allegations that Our moonshine recipe included yellow cake and caused cases of blindness, reports of hair and fingernail loss were not factored into this decision. Please do not feed the rumors. The one rumor to be proven true was that contact with albino skin did cause severe burns.

Speaking of rumors: the rumored outbreak of common sense among city and county officials (excluding Bill Peduto) is unfortunately without merit.

Also, Our continued requests for the skull of the cow’s head in this recent case, which just came to a close, have continued to be ignored. We also cannot get confirmation on if the remains had in fact been destroyed. This further delays Our project of a Skeletal Noah’s Ark.