Dear CNN:

I will not fall asleep while watching Super Tuesday and Tornado coverage ever again.  I do not need dreams of being a storm chaser; that John McCain threatened to summon tornadoes and deploy them on towns that do not vote for him; film a massive tornado and record, in horror, Hillary Clinton shove Barack Obama into its path.

Dear People with dirt on your foreheads:

What the Christ?  No, seriously.

Dear Fat Tuesday partying girl at whom I wretched:

You had pancake nipples.   That’s why I jumped back ten feet and withdrew my offering of beads.  I mean, I’ve seen silver dollar-sized ones before, but what the hell? I honestly thought it was ringworm or some new disease that should be featured on an episode of House M.D.  Enjoy being someone’s fetish.

Dear South-West Pennsylvania:

Please stay weird, but let’s not push it to Florida-insane levels.

UNIONTOWN, Pa. — A Fayette County man has been convicted of first-degree murder and sentenced to life in prison for beating his girlfriend to death with a microwave oven.

And some of you should seek professional help.

Dear microwave users:

Microwaves should be used for cooking food and seeing what explodes inside them.  Radiation can be fun.  Let’s not microwave our severed hands, babies (yes, most babies do “fit right in”) or use them to kill people (like above).

Dear Barack Obama:

Keep staying awesome.  You’ll pull this out and then throttle McCain in November.

Dear Club Erotica:

Thank you so much for changing your advertisement in the City Paper.  I am glad you took my repeated emails about the tranny you featured in the photo seriously and decided to change the girl featured.  Good lord, if that’s the quality of girls you promote at your establishment it’s a wonder sports figures, celebrities and local politicians frequent there.

Perhaps you should look into better stock photography if the girls you have there do not “make the grade.”

Also nice orange Lamborghini, quite possibly the tackiest color you could pick, just like your club.

Dear Port Authority:

I overheard this the other day on a bus which had a broken til box: “If that asshole Onorato and you are the reason my Iron is ten percent more, the least you can do is do your part and take people’s money.”  Three times in the last two weeks I’ve been on a bus that was unable to charge people due to this recent feature.

Dear Dan Onorato:

Nothing new, get bent.

Dear Former Pittsburgh Councilwoman Twanda Carlisle:

You said you were “earnestly sorry for any misdoings and all misdoings”.  Thank you for being sorry for my - quite possibly many - misdoings.  I am glad I no longer have to apologize for them.

Please take an english course while in prison.

As a reminder for Everyone, you will never be asked (or forced) to accept any mark upon your body. Especially your hands. Hands are extremely useful for a number of things. I’d like to ask for his description of what the mark looked like. Was it textured? Indented or raised skin? If it was on the forearm, he may have been a Death Eater.

A man who believed he bore the “mark of the beast” used a circular saw to cut off one hand, then cooked it in the microwave.

Wait, what?

“It had been somewhat cooked by the time the deputy arrived,” sheriff’s Capt. Ben Wolfinger said.

I can stretch to understand the removal of the hand, but to microwave it? Ladies and gentlemen, We all know that to remove a demonic spirit, they must be burned and turned to ash as they are immune to many forms of radiation.

In other crackpot religion tax-exempt scam news, let Us speak of true mark of the beast: it seems Katie Holmes may have accepted it… Claims (which should surprise none of Us) have recently surfaced in a book which claims Suri Cruise was not fathered by the false-prophet Mapathor.

“Some sect members believed that Katie Holmes was carrying the baby who would be the vessel for L. Ron Hubbard’s spirit when he returned around the galaxy.”

Cruise’s lawyer Bert Fields says, “He’s very angry. It’s so bizarre and grotesque to imply that Suri is fathered by the frozen sperm of L. Ron Hubbard. You just look at Suri, and you see Tom and Katie.”

While We should not be surprised by these claims even if they are true, We know that they are not. We know, with little doubt, that David Miscavige stole L. Ron’s sperm and used it to clone L. Ron. He failed. Anyone want to take a guess what he did with it next?

How does this affect Xenu’s plans for the domination of Earth? We cannot be sure, he has not been seen for seventy-five million years. but even though neither of the above if true would ever affect Us, to fortify our strong hold, I may soon need an Heir. The world may or may not be in grave danger, but from whom? We will discuss this further at the next Gathering.

For more about the idiocy that is Scientology, http://www.lermanet.com or http://www.xenu.net