I have returned from my self-imposed exile after the Pens’ loss of Lord Stanley’s Cup to the Red Wings.  I wonder if Detroit fans know what the term “red wings” even means in this day’s nomenclature?  But that is not for Us to ponder at this moment.  Instead, We are to look to the future and further Our Cause.

My Children, if there is one thing I fear in this world it is a dissociative people.  A people removed so far from reality that time seems to stop, perhaps even run backwards.  A people who think that the laws of Nature and the Universe do not apply to them.  A people who think it is the norm to copulate or pretend to copulate while wearing cat ears and I, unfortunately, am not speaking of that hot brunette from last year’s Halloween party.  Meow indeed.

No, I am talking about a people who, in their everyday lives, pretend to live as animals.  A people who once again are invading Our city.

Furries.

Furries in Pittsburgh.

Again.

This is a problem.

Know your furry. You will not be able to see their eyes because of anthropomorphic masks, but their knuckles will be white with inner tension and their fur suits will be encrusted with semen from constantly having sex in public with other furries or from jacking off when they can’t find an animal rape victim.

June 26th to 29th will be Our official Hunting Season.  Please, do not confuse this with the Cougar Mating Season.  Again points will be awarded for quickness of kill, skinning ability, accuracy with your weapon of choice. The closer you get to becoming a professional, the closer you can get to the client.  Higher points will be awarded.  Yes, My Friends, the use of the Mace is encouraged.

It will be Our gift to the city to rid it of this infestation.

My Children.  I am pleased to announce that the Cougar Mating season is upon Us.  It’s no coincidence that this time falls in line with the Summer months each year.  It’s just a question of exactly where this year’s hunting ground will be.  It’s quite possible that the Cultural District will still have plenty of game for this season.

New this year will be a contest which will conclude just after Labor Day (even though the season continues usually until it’s too cold to sit outside Seviche - last year it was the first week of October).

There will also be fines and possible jail time for those of You who become confused about “hunting” Cougars and bring actual weapons with You.  We do not need a repeat of last summer’s police stand off against a mace-wielding Cougar.  How she was able to disarm the persuer and then battle three officers with tasers is still under investigation. The hole in the police officer’s arm from the heel of her shoe has finally fully healed.

Speaking of tasers, no caveman antics this year by tasing your “prey” and dragging her out of the bar. This is as bad as using GHB or roofies.  Do not become Roofie Mike.

Contest categories will be posted before May 26, the official beginning of Cougar Mating Season.  If You are proposed to or have need of a restraining order, You will be immediate disqualified.  If you are pepper sprayed or have a restaining order filed against You, not only will you be disqualified, Your privileges to Our Nutcracker Suite will be permanently revoked.  You will also face excommunication.