I’m surprised this doesn’t happen more often…

A man injured in a Downtown fire yesterday died this morning at UPMC Mercy Hospital.

The medical examiner’s office said Richard Piotrowski, 62, was pronounced dead at 5:17 a.m. at Mercy’s burn unit.

He was hurt when a blaze broke out about 7 a.m. yesterday at the Roosevelt Arms apartments on Penn Avenue. Police said he was smoking while using oxygen.

Oxygen is flammable.  Oxygen is what allows fire to burn - your charcoal grill wouldn’t work without it this summer - or in summer’s past as this isn’t a new revelation.

So, what dumbasses think it’s a good idea to smoke while hooked up to an oxygen tank.  It really is a catastrophe waiting to happen. Thankfully it didn’t happen on a street corner where it might have taken out parents who beat their crying kids while waiting for the bus. God forbid… actually wait, Einstein wrote in a letter (which is up for auction) that religion and people looking for a god-like figure is “childish”.

In the letter, he states: “The word god is for me nothing more than the expression and product of human weaknesses, the Bible a collection of honourable, but still primitive legends which are nevertheless pretty childish. No interpretation no matter how subtle can (for me) change this.”

Einstein, who was Jewish and who declined an offer to be the state of Israel’s second president, also rejected the idea that the Jews are God’s favoured people.

“For me the Jewish religion like all others is an incarnation of the most childish superstitions. And the Jewish people to whom I gladly belong and with whose mentality I have a deep affinity have no different quality for me than all other people. As far as my experience goes, they are no better than other human groups, although they are protected from the worst cancers by a lack of power. Otherwise I cannot see anything ‘chosen’ about them.”

But this is not and has never been a secret…

It was hard to be an atheist before The Origin of Species. Einstein is the only member of your list who was born into the post-Darwinian world, and it is no accident that he was also the only one who didn’t believe in God. He declared: “It was, of course, a lie what you read about my religious convictions, a lie which is being systematically repeated. I do not believe in a personal God and I have never denied this but have expressed it clearly. “

But to call it childish is just plain awesome. If only the head-technology of Futurama was around to reanimate Einstein and Carl Sagan… life might be a bit more interesting.

And since there is no god.  You should pray to Me.

Yes, these are late and with no good reason outside of the fact that well, I don’t have a good reason.

Dear Penguins:

You’ve been playing some brilliant hockey!  Keep it up!

Dear Sean Avery of the New York Rangers:

This serves you right for being a little shit on the ice.  I hope you try to talk shit from your hospital bed. Nobody in the NHL likes you; I doubt even your own teammates.  You should retire.

Dear Experts who say that wedding days are no piece of cake:

Really?  I had no idea. It’s only been documented since the beginning of time, in countless idiotic romantic comedies, sitcoms and other inane media. For some reason, there is an overbearing hype placed on having an elaborate and over-priced ceremony, reception and weight on what comes down to something that nobody but the bride and groom really care about. Especially those who have, well, four or five marriages in a lifetime.   Maybe the pressure comes from the bride’s mother since a small percentage of mothers live vicariously through their daughters.

And speaking of marriage…

Dear Sen. Vince Fumo, D-Philadelphia

Way to hit the crowd with some common sense.

Mr. Fumo railed back, calling those arguments ignorant.

“If two homosexuals are allowed to get married, is that going to affect your marriage? Your marriage is that weak you’re going to get a divorce over that?” he said to Philadelphian James Horn, a father of eight who testified in favor of the constitutional amendment.

Exactly.  But, unfortunately you then shot yourself in the foot by comparing the discrimination of homosexuals to the Jews of Nazi Germany.

“The majority of people in Germany did not accept Jews. Does that make it right that they exterminated them?”

Way to Godwin the argument.

Dear Mr. James Horn & other people who think they have the right to tell people how to live:

You have absolutely no common sense nor sense of self.  The fact that you allow your marriage to be defined by anything other than what’s between you and your wife is pathetic.  I feel sorry that you’re a sheep and allow your life to be determined by an unoriginal book that’s been told by word of mouth; translated (possibly mistranslated - by accident or on purpose); voted upon to decide what goes in it; and probably mis-interpreted by many to its actual message.  If the Bible said to drink the koolaid (or whatever variation), you probably would drink it without question.  Oh wait, you probably do with communion.

Dear Me:

I am still awaiting the first church to make world history due to poisoned communion wine.  Then we’ll find out if transubstantiation exists or not.

Dear Onorato:

Your Onorato Tax (or drink tax) is bringing in more money than expected.  Prove that you are not a sack of shit and return any money that was not projected to be needed by the Port Authority to the industry.  However, I, and many others, know you will not and I’m calling it now.

Dear Ravenstahl:

Just what the hell is this?  Way to follow in Onorato’s footsteps, proving what many already knew you to be - a pawn of special interests that leads you to betray the public in spectacular fashion.  I wonder if Bob O’Connor is now rolling in his grave.  If he is spinning fast enough, we should tap that energy source for the light-rail system to help cut down on the Port Authority’s costs.

Dear Port Authority:

I have now been on six buses with broken till boxes unable to accept dollar bills or coins.  And you want the public to bail you out.

Dear Allegheny County Bar & Restaurant Owners:

Normally I speak out against class-action lawsuits as most are idiotic and frivolous and really only benefit the attorney and / or law firm representing the victims or usually “victims” who never see a dime.  This may be one in which it would be of public benefit.

Dear President Bush:

Nice job on lying directly to the press yesterday - who then called you out on it immediately after - and trying to place blame on Democratic-controlled Congress (It was more the GOP’s fault).  Also you sounded like a damn fool.  You didn’t once think to maybe take some public speaking classes so you don’t stutter all over yourself while trying to think of a way to make it sound as if you were not lying?  You should take some lessons from Hillary Clinton.  And both you and Senator Clinton should get bent.

I had something else planned for the open letters this month, but some happenings from recent events have led Me to change course a bit:

Dear Gerry Ferraro, staunch Clinton Supporter:

You wonderful, wonderful woman: thank you for putting another hole into Clinton’s campaign with your short-sighted remarks. Thank you for the irony that was your slogan in ‘84. American does need new leadership.

“If Obama was a white man, he would not be in this position,” she continued. “And if he was a woman (of any color) he would not be in this position. He happens to be very lucky to be who he is. And the country is caught up in the concept.”

Dear Hillary Clinton:

Please, stop! This is why we can’t have nice things! It’s getting pathetic and more transparent by the day. Stop trying to fool people into voting for you buy mentioning a Clinton / Obama ticket. Everybody knows it will never happen. I know it’s too much to ask, but stop trying to turn the Democratic party into a circus.

Dear Elliot Spitzer:

It could have been worse and I’m dubbing it: Spitzerhook. You could have lost consciousness at the Nutcracker Suite.  (Don’t ask why, but I will admit that when I first read this, I read it as Mark Spitz - the legendary swimmer - and said to myself, “What the christ? We swimmers don’t need hookers to get laid.)

Dear Media:

After tonight, let the Spitzerhook controversy die.  The guy had some sex.  So what? But you won’t because your executive producers are greedy bastards who probably aren’t getting enough at home. For the next two weeks, they will live vicariously through those who are balls-deep in this scandal, wishing they could afford $1,000 / hour prostitutes.

Notch another one up for the Drink Tax

Owners Seeking Drink Tax Help Reach Sex Line

PITTSBURGH (KDKA) ― Some bar and restaurant owners in Allegheny County were trying to get help with the drink tax by dialing a toll-free number, but instead reached a sex line.

Allegheny County Treasurer John Weinstein says the number was a typo that occurred when the flyers were printed. Only a handful were mailed.

The letters have a new number that doesn’t send callers to a sex line.

Was this why Onorato was greeted by a chorus of “Booooos” at Myron Cope’s send-off on Friday?

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Someone donates box of grenades to Goodwill store

Police are searching for a person who left four hand grenades in a Westmoreland County Goodwill shop.

This is in violation of the Die Hard 3 rule.  “You can leave that here.  Some kid could…”  Even the bad guys in that movie followed this one.

With his 10-story garage to hold 3,800 cars.  Or after Pittsburgh’s do their version of staying in the yellow lines, 3,456 parking spaces will be available.  I’m talking about you, the idiot that drives the BMW 740i and thinks they must manage to take up three spaces in a downtown garage.  Yes, it was me that pulled right in front of you with very little clearance from the right-front of your bumper.  I hope you enjoyed my note, asshole.  I had fun drawing it.

This, however, is about what Barden is not telling the public.  The money that could be used to submerge several stories of the garage underground and holdback the floods of the Ohio River, is actually being funnelled into two underground stories to hold those suspected of cheating in his new casino.

Not to be out-done by Sam “Ace” Rothstein, the rooms to hold those suspected of cheating will not just contain hammers, vices and electrical saws, but an assortment of medieval torture devices from his personal collection and that of his business partners.  Many of these have to be transferred overseas from Europe and Japan.  This shipping cost is enormous (think of the shipping costs for the Chihuly exhibit and multiply it by Pi).

In all seriouness, only Pittsburgh could take five-plus years to institute a money-making machine such as a casino.  Only Pennsylvania would do it half-assed and not allow table games.  How are slot machines going to attract people to Pittsburgh when they can venture an hour south and enjoy a full casino.  Bravo.

At the Columbus protest of Scientology, not one, but two people were hit by a bus. One was wounded pretty severely. This woman at the Columbus cult office when first mentioning the incident began to laugh as if it was hysterical. When she’s told it was the person on the phone, she changes her tone and then says that five of them wanted to go out and help, but was advised against it.  The video includes footage of one of the victims of the accident getting hit by the bus.

She went onto claim that she called the hospital to make sure those hit by the bus were alright. She says that Xenu is wacky and doesn’t know what Computer Science III is. How do you not know what Computer Science III is?

Here’s a video recap of the last month and how all this picketing came together.

Why is our sky-line being constantly marred by corporations?  I mean Mellon was bad enough, but it’s been there as long as I can remember.  Then there was the disturbance in the internet known as FreeMarkets… Now we get a law firm?

Reed Smith will add its name to the city skyline when it moves into the new PNC skyscraper in 2009.

The city Planning Commission today gave approval for the law firm to put its name at the top of the 23-story Three PNC Plaza building under construction on Fifth Avenue, Downtown.

At least it’s not Edgar Snyder.  Our source inside informed Us that Edgar Snyder lobbied for one, but they wouldn’t approve a sign that was the image of an ambulance being chased by lawyers (see right).  We were also informed that Mayor Luke Ravenstahl was also denied a marble statue of himself on Grant Street, but that was requested by him when he was president of the City Council.

Call Us jaded since, in 1999, We were denied the opportunity to have Our own downtown marquee on one of the high-rises; it would have been haunting, but tasteful.  A beret and aviators, what would be better?  Comments from those who denied Us said it was too big brother-ish for a private organization.  I recently asked about the rumors to install a huge camera and spotlight from the new UPMC sign on the USX Tower and was then promptly removed from the room.

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Even though it makes it easier to transport children, even illegally across international lines, I encourage Everyone not to put your ten year old into a dog crate.

A Washington County woman is accused of locking her 10-year-old grandson in a feces-filled dog crate for about 90 minutes.

Police say 51-year-old Rhonda Lehman of Washington put the boy in the crate Saturday because the boy laced the family’s drinks with lamp oil and household cleaner. The boy says he was angry at his family.

While children should be neither see nor heard, putting them into a dog crate isn’t necessarily the answer.  Also, just what are you doing to them that would make them want to poison you?

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Also, a general reminder to show some common sense when carrying out Our objectives.  Please do not hire third-parties (or advertise for them) on public sites such as Craig’s List.   We have Our own network and Cleaner that We may use for that.

Ann Marie Linscott, 49, offered $5,000 for the hit, had the name and work address of the woman she wanted dead and in e-mails with stunned job seekers described successful candidates as “silent assassins,” according to agents and court documents.

It just shows that human stupidity knows no bounds in this world. I believe Everyone would agree with Me that subculture of stupid humans should be henceforth eradicated from society.  Not culled from existence as that would attract too much attention.  But perhaps an island somewhere.

As a reminder for Everyone, you will never be asked (or forced) to accept any mark upon your body. Especially your hands. Hands are extremely useful for a number of things. I’d like to ask for his description of what the mark looked like. Was it textured? Indented or raised skin? If it was on the forearm, he may have been a Death Eater.

A man who believed he bore the “mark of the beast” used a circular saw to cut off one hand, then cooked it in the microwave.

Wait, what?

“It had been somewhat cooked by the time the deputy arrived,” sheriff’s Capt. Ben Wolfinger said.

I can stretch to understand the removal of the hand, but to microwave it? Ladies and gentlemen, We all know that to remove a demonic spirit, they must be burned and turned to ash as they are immune to many forms of radiation.

In other crackpot religion tax-exempt scam news, let Us speak of true mark of the beast: it seems Katie Holmes may have accepted it… Claims (which should surprise none of Us) have recently surfaced in a book which claims Suri Cruise was not fathered by the false-prophet Mapathor.

“Some sect members believed that Katie Holmes was carrying the baby who would be the vessel for L. Ron Hubbard’s spirit when he returned around the galaxy.”

Cruise’s lawyer Bert Fields says, “He’s very angry. It’s so bizarre and grotesque to imply that Suri is fathered by the frozen sperm of L. Ron Hubbard. You just look at Suri, and you see Tom and Katie.”

While We should not be surprised by these claims even if they are true, We know that they are not. We know, with little doubt, that David Miscavige stole L. Ron’s sperm and used it to clone L. Ron. He failed. Anyone want to take a guess what he did with it next?

How does this affect Xenu’s plans for the domination of Earth? We cannot be sure, he has not been seen for seventy-five million years. but even though neither of the above if true would ever affect Us, to fortify our strong hold, I may soon need an Heir. The world may or may not be in grave danger, but from whom? We will discuss this further at the next Gathering.

For more about the idiocy that is Scientology, http://www.lermanet.com or http://www.xenu.net

“When this baby hits 88 miles-per-hour, you’re going to see some serious shit.”

A 21-year-old Florida woman has pleaded guilty in connection with the death of an unborn child during a drag race in 2006 in Westmoreland County.

…

Eighteen-year-old Nicole Clark was a passenger in the car that was hit. She was four months pregnant and lost the baby as a result.

Authorities say Ms. Schaub was driving at 88 mph in a 40 mph zone seconds before the crash.

Doc Brown, your calculations were correct. Even though Our time-travel experiments will continue, I want to point out that simply causing a four-month life-reset is not time travel. It may be a loop-hole, however.

I’m calling it first: Oronato, if he runs for governor and is elected, will impose a state-wide Drink Oronato Tax. The Allegheny County Oronato Tax will, of course, not be redacted and it will become twenty percent in the county. I have already started making preparations for Us to begin brewing Our own selections of beer. Unlike during prohibition, We will not rekindle Our moonshine business. The allegations that Our moonshine recipe included yellow cake and caused cases of blindness, reports of hair and fingernail loss were not factored into this decision. Please do not feed the rumors. The one rumor to be proven true was that contact with albino skin did cause severe burns.

Speaking of rumors: the rumored outbreak of common sense among city and county officials (excluding Bill Peduto) is unfortunately without merit.

Also, Our continued requests for the skull of the cow’s head in this recent case, which just came to a close, have continued to be ignored. We also cannot get confirmation on if the remains had in fact been destroyed. This further delays Our project of a Skeletal Noah’s Ark.