What could possibly go wrong with shooting down a failed U.S. spy satellite?  Where is Reagan’s “Star Wars” laser defense system?  I mean, the Chinese already have the Our Weather Dominator (Ok, the government dropped the ball on that when they did not take Our requests for help seriously in recovering the stolen plans).  We’re falling behind! China’s just banned ghosts from the internet, and Senator Spector’s plea to reinstate the Ghostbusters is meeting resistance from the White House.

After solving many of the world’s and its own problems, the Diocese of Pittsburgh has released radio advertisements saying what a great place St. Vincent’s College is because of their state-of-the-art porn filter. Yes, Catholicism lives up to its reputation of repressing sexuality since 107AD.  Yeah, that’s the way to attract students.  This was reported last month I guess.  But some good of it came about, collegehumor.com is blocked. I do not think the Catholics should be the Morality Police.  They can pretend to be, like when We were kids and would play Crocodile Dundee and Rico the drug dealer.

I’m finding the only time I ever listen to the radio is for Steelers or Penguins games.  Sometimes I wake up to the radio to the same five songs.  Radio giant Clear Channel is settling for $22 million dollars for the Great White fire that roasted 100 people alive.  Unfortunately, Clear Channel does not have to closeup shop nor does it have to stop promoting terrible music.  My letters to The Hague to have Clear Channel brass charged with crimes against humanity have not been answered.

The Office looks like it will return on April 10th.  We can all relax for a moment before realizing Harris Goldberg, writer of Duece Bigalow: Male Gigolo (the title itself doesn’t deserve to be properly notated, add that to the actual content of the movie…), is also receiving calls.  Hollywood must be desperate.

The Juice is at it again.

O.J. Simpson’s girlfriend Christie Prody was hospitalized in Miami Monday for what police are calling a “severe head injury,” “Entertainment Tonight” reported.

Happy Valentine’s Day, Christie!

And for the rest of you: Radio Station is giving away free divorce!

Several years ago, as Everyone may recall, We had a break-in at The Campus offices and it was noticed that several of Our up-and-coming projects had been compromised.  This was a difficult hour for Us all, however it led to the new security installations as well as the development of Our industry-leading Automated Sentry Server.

Granted there were a few bugs to fix up in the early going, but those who sustained injury recovered quickly and We completely covered their medical expenses.  Thankfully, no amputation was necessary as it was rumored shortly after the incident occurred.

What was stolen from Our offices back in 2003?  Our weather machine.   Many of You knew this is what was stolen already, but now We know who stole it:  The Chinese.  They already are claiming to stop the rain at the Olympics.

“CHINESE weather boffins say they have stopped the rain from falling in experiments aimed at guaranteeing a dry opening ceremony at August’s Olympic Games.”

There go Our millions, Our billions.  More specifically it was the Chinese Organizational Bureaucracy of Reproductive Anemometers.  I assume this group was working for, if not with, the Chinese government, who at this time is disavowing knowledge of this secret Chinese Command.

How the theft was pulled off is still a mystery, how We were infiltrated, not so much: We had three labs assigned to this dangerous assignment capable of god-like changes in the weather.  One was in the Arctic, another on an isolated island in the Pacific (on of the many atolls in the area) and the main lab hidden within an Aztec temple which the Mexican government let Us use in exchange for licensing rights. One of the chief scientists working on Our project, some of you may remember, was a Scotsman named Dr. McCullen.  Our recent intelligence implies Dr. McCullen was the leak, the same intelligence brands him as an international arms dealer with strong ties to the Chinese organization.

“What do We do now,” is what you might be asking Yourselves.  For now, We wait.