I have returned from my self-imposed exile after the Pens’ loss of Lord Stanley’s Cup to the Red Wings.  I wonder if Detroit fans know what the term “red wings” even means in this day’s nomenclature?  But that is not for Us to ponder at this moment.  Instead, We are to look to the future and further Our Cause.

My Children, if there is one thing I fear in this world it is a dissociative people.  A people removed so far from reality that time seems to stop, perhaps even run backwards.  A people who think that the laws of Nature and the Universe do not apply to them.  A people who think it is the norm to copulate or pretend to copulate while wearing cat ears and I, unfortunately, am not speaking of that hot brunette from last year’s Halloween party.  Meow indeed.

No, I am talking about a people who, in their everyday lives, pretend to live as animals.  A people who once again are invading Our city.

Furries.

Furries in Pittsburgh.

Again.

This is a problem.

Know your furry. You will not be able to see their eyes because of anthropomorphic masks, but their knuckles will be white with inner tension and their fur suits will be encrusted with semen from constantly having sex in public with other furries or from jacking off when they can’t find an animal rape victim.

June 26th to 29th will be Our official Hunting Season.  Please, do not confuse this with the Cougar Mating Season.  Again points will be awarded for quickness of kill, skinning ability, accuracy with your weapon of choice. The closer you get to becoming a professional, the closer you can get to the client.  Higher points will be awarded.  Yes, My Friends, the use of the Mace is encouraged.

It will be Our gift to the city to rid it of this infestation.

In a supplement and extension of last week’s remarks about the idiocy of Pittsburgh’s drivers… I also have to question their basic reading comprehension and ability to recognize signs on the road.

I must report a massive win for Our Congregation.

But, first: Your obligatory back story.  For years when The Campus was located south of the Liberty Tubes many of Us who rely on Port Authority would have to face the inevitable “Smithfield Wait” as idiots would clog up the intersection of Smithfield and Boulevard of the Allies.  This, often during rush hour and other peak traffic times, would create the Sea of Exhaust as the line of buses would be viewable from my office window all the way down to 6th Avenue.  One dreary winter day I decided to take a pilgrimage (please, do not confuse this with the Hajj) down to 6th, took a left and continued down 6th to Wood and then turning left again on to Wood.  Wood was then backed up with buses all the way to halfway between 5th and Forbes.

Shit.  This was on a Friday. People wanted to get home, out of the cold and start drinking the memories of the work week away.  But they couldn’t. Why? Because of asshole drivers (which were recently called the most courteous) turning right and /or left on red and blocking the buses from making any forward progress.

Some bus drivers would attempt to subvert this behavior by pulling up only as far as they needed and hold back some of the flow from the Boulevard - which usually resulted in drivers attempting to pass the bus or pulling directly behind it and usually blocking traffic on the Boulevard - gridlock.

I, personally, wrote several letters over the years to the City, County and Port Authority - along with pictures - suggesting that during rush hour (4pm to 7pm) that the single lane of Smithfield south-bound between Boulevard and Fort Pitt be a HOV / Bus only lane in hopes that I may get home in timely manner and not be compelled to wait in the cold or rain as my bus was delayed by assholes.

It seems they finally were seen by someone or someone in a position of power finally had a moment of clarity or common sense and took some action.

They, took it one step further and made it Buses only, all the time last Thursday or Friday.  Now, considering I work in this little, but heavily trafficked corridor of Smithfield it kind of sucks, but for the higher purpose it servers I am thankful.

Checking from the otherside of the street:

Lenny: George, what are these orange barriers? Are they for the rabbits, George?
George: No, Lenny, those are there to stop drivers from turning left.
Lenny: Shame, I thought they were for the rabbits. Wait, that guy just turned left and almost hit that guy. You said they couldn’t turn here, what if that guy walking was a rabbit and hit him?

note: there was someone who walked across the street, was almost hit and had to run to avoid this stupid-looking SUV.  He is behind it in this picture - also take notice of the car all the way to the left:

because there they are!

However, I have yet to see one driver get pulled for turning here.  Where are the officers that are so trigger happy to ticket drivers when it comes to any other part of the Smithfield Bus Lane?  Perhaps they haven’t yet received the memo about the changes to this intersection.

With one of Our goals for 2008 finally out of the way, We can focus on getting the entire Bush Administration charged by the Hague for War Crimes.  That is more of a 2009 goal as Congress doesn’t have the balls to Impeach Bush or Cheney.

My Children.  I am pleased to announce that the Cougar Mating season is upon Us.  It’s no coincidence that this time falls in line with the Summer months each year.  It’s just a question of exactly where this year’s hunting ground will be.  It’s quite possible that the Cultural District will still have plenty of game for this season.

New this year will be a contest which will conclude just after Labor Day (even though the season continues usually until it’s too cold to sit outside Seviche - last year it was the first week of October).

There will also be fines and possible jail time for those of You who become confused about “hunting” Cougars and bring actual weapons with You.  We do not need a repeat of last summer’s police stand off against a mace-wielding Cougar.  How she was able to disarm the persuer and then battle three officers with tasers is still under investigation. The hole in the police officer’s arm from the heel of her shoe has finally fully healed.

Speaking of tasers, no caveman antics this year by tasing your “prey” and dragging her out of the bar. This is as bad as using GHB or roofies.  Do not become Roofie Mike.

Contest categories will be posted before May 26, the official beginning of Cougar Mating Season.  If You are proposed to or have need of a restraining order, You will be immediate disqualified.  If you are pepper sprayed or have a restaining order filed against You, not only will you be disqualified, Your privileges to Our Nutcracker Suite will be permanently revoked.  You will also face excommunication.

Apologies to all.

I had business to handle in Central America and was asked to give the eulogy at a old friend’s funeral.  The latter I never want to do again, unless I get to speak at some trashy celebrity’s funeral.  Though between all the retards that now fill the tabloids and are the coveted paycheck of the paparazzi (please don’t confuse this with the rat-infested restaurant in Pittsburgh’s South Side which I suspect uses a laxative-based dough for its late-night pizza) I have no idea who is going to drop dead first.

I will accept all suggestions.

However beginning this weekend, the Gatherings will resume their normal schedule.  I had scheduled a very special guest speaker in hopes to get in on the bid for a downtown LED sign advertisement (since there is obviously no stopping the monstrosities we might as well play along and use them to Our advantage) but due to a recent flap of his reputation and some other breaking news, I have canceled his invitation to speak.  Now We all knew what was going on, but one problem arose over the last couple of weeks: he was caught.

I bring presents from the families which We helped out in Nicaragua.   Due to Our efforts We may be able to begin work on a second chapter based in Central America.  The work of My grandmother forty years ago is set to continue as We work to assist families in Panama and Nicaragua and bring peace to the region. Our new chapter may be based in Coronado on the land once held by My family.  I am currently brokering deals with rival guerrilla groups as well as the Panamanian government.

I have also brought back some authentic beer from the area, donated by some of the affluent people with whom We will be working; it’s not crap like Corona or Modelo.  But a nice selection from the Cerveceria Baru brewery.  There will be a Tasting this Thursday before The Roots concert.

My Children,

We’ve lost another from Our Cause this week; one who knew she would never want for anything, constantly sought it elsewhere.  She has shamed Us in ways unfathomable in My eyes.  Under a mask of deceit, she claimed to seek out those who would benefit from Our Community and Cause.  Instead she sold herself and Our very Word, perverting it for god money.

The worst of it, that which she reaped from what she sowed, she did not share with Us, instead she chose to hide it.

I am… disappointed.  I hate when Caesar salads do not use romaine lettuce.  But that’s not why I am disappointed.

The act itself We must not be quick to condemn. The very Festivities that occur within The Campus rival those of Caligula himself.   We are fortunate in that regard.

She broke the quarantine We had at the Campus; therefore I am ordering that We be retested.  All results must be reported to Me personally.  Some may have to follow her into exile.  Those exiled will not be permitted to work in Our Nutcracker Suite at The Campus.

So it shall be written, so it shall be done.

Ladies and Gentleman, contrary to current popular and rampant rumor, J.J. Walker has not left the Congregation.  Unlike our enemy in the dangerous cult that is Scientology, It would surprise me greatly if anyone would want to leave Us;  to actually leave My presence is unfathomable.   Ladies and Gentleman, J.J. Walker has not left the Congregation because, unfortunately, he was never part of It.

Several of You have asked me personally how We are different from the creepiness that is Scientology.  Well, for one, You are not led by David Miscavige, a creepy asthmatic midget with a Napoleon complex.  Miscavige’s power is also an illusion.  There are men and women in the shadows who actually out-rank him and hold the power.  Do you really think a tenth grade dropout would have the knowledge or ability to stage a coup and retain power?  He is not debonair like I am.  Miscavige’s abused underlings have been leaving in droves as he spends too much time polishing Tom Cruise’s balls.  The fleshy thing that’s attached near them, he mistakes for a garden hose.

But enough about the asthmatic midget.   How do I differ?

I lead through love.  Not fear.  I command respect, but with love.  I may induce fear, but that’s only a result of not believing in my love.  We embark on this Great Adventure together, as one, with peace as Our ally and Wit and Sarcasm as Our Weapon.

We expose those who are against Us as We protect the weak, the ones unable to help themselves.  For in Righteousness, We find Peace.  And in peace We are able to exterminate those who are against Us.  We silently judge those around Us and take notes.

By sure You all have heard of the incident at the club, The Nutcracker Suite, in which we invested several years ago.  Therefore I asked that a Committee be formed to investigate ways to make Our branch at The Campus safer for Our clients and those who volunteer their services.

From a quick once over of Our operation at The Campus, I’ve noticed a lack of general common sense when it comes to the Work environment.  I’ll admit having let these things go in the past, but We must be vigilant from here on out.

• There is to be no more smoking except if the client requests it specifically and you are to use the official smoking room.  We have flammable materials and costumes in use and Many have noticed unattended cigarettes and pipes left alight.
• Those who keep mogwais as pets, I don’t care if they whistle and add to the ambiance.  Do I really have to explain the danger? We don’t need the bad press after what happened in 2005. If you want something cute and fluffy, kittens should be enough.
• I am mandating re-training for Volunteers who keep firearms in their Environment.  Also, assault rifles will no longer be allowed for use during sessions.
• The tear gas room will still be open due to its popularity (I don’t understand it, either, especially the knockout gas substitute). But, like firearms, all Volunteers must re-train in proper gas mask usage.
• The mechanical Warg room will still be open.

The client caught on video tape by KDKA is no longer welcome as he is now deemed a security risk as has the volunteer who gave him the bad acid.

Several years ago, as Everyone may recall, We had a break-in at The Campus offices and it was noticed that several of Our up-and-coming projects had been compromised.  This was a difficult hour for Us all, however it led to the new security installations as well as the development of Our industry-leading Automated Sentry Server.

Granted there were a few bugs to fix up in the early going, but those who sustained injury recovered quickly and We completely covered their medical expenses.  Thankfully, no amputation was necessary as it was rumored shortly after the incident occurred.

What was stolen from Our offices back in 2003?  Our weather machine.   Many of You knew this is what was stolen already, but now We know who stole it:  The Chinese.  They already are claiming to stop the rain at the Olympics.

“CHINESE weather boffins say they have stopped the rain from falling in experiments aimed at guaranteeing a dry opening ceremony at August’s Olympic Games.”

There go Our millions, Our billions.  More specifically it was the Chinese Organizational Bureaucracy of Reproductive Anemometers.  I assume this group was working for, if not with, the Chinese government, who at this time is disavowing knowledge of this secret Chinese Command.

How the theft was pulled off is still a mystery, how We were infiltrated, not so much: We had three labs assigned to this dangerous assignment capable of god-like changes in the weather.  One was in the Arctic, another on an isolated island in the Pacific (on of the many atolls in the area) and the main lab hidden within an Aztec temple which the Mexican government let Us use in exchange for licensing rights. One of the chief scientists working on Our project, some of you may remember, was a Scotsman named Dr. McCullen.  Our recent intelligence implies Dr. McCullen was the leak, the same intelligence brands him as an international arms dealer with strong ties to the Chinese organization.

“What do We do now,” is what you might be asking Yourselves.  For now, We wait.

Residents in Squirrel Hill call for an Entmoot in wake of Pittsburgh Public Works Director Guy “Saruman” Costa revelation that the trees pose a hazard and even brought in a consulting company to agree with him. The Ents are not pleased.

SQUIRREL HILL (KDKA) ― Thousands of shade trees in Pittsburgh neighborhoods are coming down as part of the city’s plan to remove old or dying trees.

But some residents in Squirrel Hill were caught off guard by the program and want it stopped until the matter can be discussed in a public forum.

Resident Terri Glueck calls the damage irreversible.

“It will denude this entire block of its green leafy canopy and make a dramatic and diminished impact on the neighborhood,” she said.

…the $8 million plan is still largely unfunded, currently lacking the money for the replacement trees. And the residents are tying green ribbons around many of the trees saying they’re still viable and should be spared.

In response, I encourage Everyone to tie a tree-hugger to one of the listed trees in peaceful protest. We will be responsible for their welfare during this critical time of deforestation. Schedules will be provided for feeding and watering. Additional tree-huggers will be imported from the West coast and held in reserve should the need arise. However, I would prefer not to have a repeat of the 1994 Massacre in the Amazon Rainforest, during which the tree-huggers became loose and killed seventy-seven deforestation workers, wounded another 217 before they could be tranquilized and shipped back to the U.S.

Twenty-three tree-huggers are still unaccounted for and have been written off for tax purposes.

Where was Conklin earlier in the season? And hopefully the Pens can start winning games in their division!

Astronomers have discovered the Double Einstein Ring. I would have preferred they not find it this soon as they cannot possibly fathom Its meaning. We will discuss Its meaning and message when We next Gather.

Another cosmological view We need to keep an eye on is the colliding of the planets. More research and observation are needed to know if this is collision for which We’re supposed to be on the lookout. I cannot reveal more about it here, but as with the above, will discuss at the Gather.

The object, 2M1207B, has puzzled astronomers because its existence seems to defy physical possibility. Its temperature, luminosity, age and location do not match any theory.

That is what distresses Us most. Some of Our initiatives may have to be accelerated and others put on hold. Everyone must be at the ready.