Yes, these are late and with no good reason outside of the fact that well, I don’t have a good reason.

Dear Penguins:

You’ve been playing some brilliant hockey!  Keep it up!

Dear Sean Avery of the New York Rangers:

This serves you right for being a little shit on the ice.  I hope you try to talk shit from your hospital bed. Nobody in the NHL likes you; I doubt even your own teammates.  You should retire.

Dear Experts who say that wedding days are no piece of cake:

Really?  I had no idea. It’s only been documented since the beginning of time, in countless idiotic romantic comedies, sitcoms and other inane media. For some reason, there is an overbearing hype placed on having an elaborate and over-priced ceremony, reception and weight on what comes down to something that nobody but the bride and groom really care about. Especially those who have, well, four or five marriages in a lifetime.   Maybe the pressure comes from the bride’s mother since a small percentage of mothers live vicariously through their daughters.

And speaking of marriage…

Dear Sen. Vince Fumo, D-Philadelphia

Way to hit the crowd with some common sense.

Mr. Fumo railed back, calling those arguments ignorant.

“If two homosexuals are allowed to get married, is that going to affect your marriage? Your marriage is that weak you’re going to get a divorce over that?” he said to Philadelphian James Horn, a father of eight who testified in favor of the constitutional amendment.

Exactly.  But, unfortunately you then shot yourself in the foot by comparing the discrimination of homosexuals to the Jews of Nazi Germany.

“The majority of people in Germany did not accept Jews. Does that make it right that they exterminated them?”

Way to Godwin the argument.

Dear Mr. James Horn & other people who think they have the right to tell people how to live:

You have absolutely no common sense nor sense of self.  The fact that you allow your marriage to be defined by anything other than what’s between you and your wife is pathetic.  I feel sorry that you’re a sheep and allow your life to be determined by an unoriginal book that’s been told by word of mouth; translated (possibly mistranslated - by accident or on purpose); voted upon to decide what goes in it; and probably mis-interpreted by many to its actual message.  If the Bible said to drink the koolaid (or whatever variation), you probably would drink it without question.  Oh wait, you probably do with communion.

Dear Me:

I am still awaiting the first church to make world history due to poisoned communion wine.  Then we’ll find out if transubstantiation exists or not.

Dear Onorato:

Your Onorato Tax (or drink tax) is bringing in more money than expected.  Prove that you are not a sack of shit and return any money that was not projected to be needed by the Port Authority to the industry.  However, I, and many others, know you will not and I’m calling it now.

Dear Ravenstahl:

Just what the hell is this?  Way to follow in Onorato’s footsteps, proving what many already knew you to be - a pawn of special interests that leads you to betray the public in spectacular fashion.  I wonder if Bob O’Connor is now rolling in his grave.  If he is spinning fast enough, we should tap that energy source for the light-rail system to help cut down on the Port Authority’s costs.

Dear Port Authority:

I have now been on six buses with broken till boxes unable to accept dollar bills or coins.  And you want the public to bail you out.

Dear Allegheny County Bar & Restaurant Owners:

Normally I speak out against class-action lawsuits as most are idiotic and frivolous and really only benefit the attorney and / or law firm representing the victims or usually “victims” who never see a dime.  This may be one in which it would be of public benefit.

Dear President Bush:

Nice job on lying directly to the press yesterday - who then called you out on it immediately after - and trying to place blame on Democratic-controlled Congress (It was more the GOP’s fault).  Also you sounded like a damn fool.  You didn’t once think to maybe take some public speaking classes so you don’t stutter all over yourself while trying to think of a way to make it sound as if you were not lying?  You should take some lessons from Hillary Clinton.  And both you and Senator Clinton should get bent.

Dear Post-Gazette:

I know you’re a Clinton shill, but try to give a balanced perspective of both Democratic Candidates.  To hold you accountable, Our Chief Political Correspondent and I will be counting both the number of front page articles (and all articles) about each candidate and their frequency. Stories about both candidates, like those about them courting the boy-mayor will not count.

Today’s initial count for March 11 (attempts will be made to back-date this to March 5, the day PA was thrown into prominence after Clinton’s shamelessness):

Clinton: 5
Obama: 1 (And that one grabbed from the AP)

For those playing at home you can follow along online.   I’ll come up with some scoring system that hopefully is fair to both candidates.

---

Adding one more thing that I wrote about a Clinton backer pulling the race card:  Obama camp calls for Clinton to drop Ferraro. And just so everyone’s clear, this is not the first gaff, but comes as part of a series of them from Clinton supporters.

---

Let’s also knock down Clinton a couple more pegs.

She “managed crisis” with Sinbad, Sheryl Crow and her daughter.

Susan Rice, a foreign policy adviser to Obama, mocked Clinton for her claim of having made a corkscrew landing into Bosnia under the threat of sniper fire, when, as Rice pointed out, she made the trip with Chelsea, Sheryl Crow and Sinbad.

“In fact, it was a meet-and-greet and concert with the troops,” said Rice.

And now Clinton has Sinbad himself ripping on her for it.

What else? Oh, that claim about the Northern Ireland:

Hillary Clinton had no direct role in bringing peace to Northern Ireland and is a “wee bit silly” for exaggerating the part she played, according to Lord Trimble of Lisnagarvey, the Nobel Peace Prize winner and former First Minister of the province.

So, I now speak to the Post-Gazette:  Where are these stories?

I think the fluctuation of the temperature over the last month or so has many knocked way off center.

Dear The Garage Door Saloon: Wetback Wednesdays? Seriously?

The Garage Door Saloon on Atwood Street is catching some flak for a sign advertising its midweek special: “Wetback Wednesday.”

The special nets you five Coronitas for $7 and 75-cent tacos.

Somehow I don’t think you thought your cunning marketing scheme through properly. Well, considering the bar occupies former “great” bars like Cumpie’s (which was raided more times than I could possibly remember while at Pitt) this isn’t surprising. This is almost as well thought out name as Operation Wetback. Who came up with that? Oh, the U.S. Government.

Dear Nightwire:

Your content is irrelevant and worth less than the bad paper on which it is printed. The recycled jokes from email forwards in 1997 need to go. You also probably paid for them as well. But what can we expect from a re-vamped former stripper magazine.

Dear Lux:

“I have no actual content or reason for being in existence other than to sell businesses advertising in my made-for-midget-sized magazine that will then be left on random tables anonymously at perceived trendy bars and establishments around town.”

[CL Note: Don't confuse Lux with Luxx on Carson Street]

Dear Maniac Magazine:

See letter to Lux (above). Fifteen pages of content and sixty-four of ads and photos (most of which are terrible and worthless). You have a great selling point. Your Haute List (nice lifting the name from the NY Post), considering the fact that your magazine tends to be two months behind is, well, two months behind. Also, pandering to the Pittsburghers who live vicariously through photos of people at events held, you guessed it, two months ago is hardly relevant. It’s even worse when the photographers hired don’t know how to use a flash. I had high hopes. I am… disappointed. You should focus on the future, not interviewing sugar daddies.

Dear Trib P.M.:

Thank you for the daily sudoku! You may not have known this, but Ananova.com is not a reputable news source. It’s almost a tabloid of a news source. Oh wait, I guess that fits considering many think of the Trib as a tabloid of Pittsburgh. You might as well get your news from Fark.com.

Dear Whirl:

I didn’t really think there was a market for a magazine full of old people at charity benefits. My parents are going to the Bon Jovi concert, maybe they’d like your magazine.

Dear Pittsburgh City Paper:

The Hill is still angry. Maybe Chris Potter should write more articles about that!

Dear Ray Nagin:

You may be a vagina-friendly mayor, but Elliot Spitzer just out played you; he’s one of the first vagina-friendly governors. Bill Clinton has you both beat.

I had something else planned for the open letters this month, but some happenings from recent events have led Me to change course a bit:

Dear Gerry Ferraro, staunch Clinton Supporter:

You wonderful, wonderful woman: thank you for putting another hole into Clinton’s campaign with your short-sighted remarks. Thank you for the irony that was your slogan in ‘84. American does need new leadership.

“If Obama was a white man, he would not be in this position,” she continued. “And if he was a woman (of any color) he would not be in this position. He happens to be very lucky to be who he is. And the country is caught up in the concept.”

Dear Hillary Clinton:

Please, stop! This is why we can’t have nice things! It’s getting pathetic and more transparent by the day. Stop trying to fool people into voting for you buy mentioning a Clinton / Obama ticket. Everybody knows it will never happen. I know it’s too much to ask, but stop trying to turn the Democratic party into a circus.

Dear Elliot Spitzer:

It could have been worse and I’m dubbing it: Spitzerhook. You could have lost consciousness at the Nutcracker Suite.  (Don’t ask why, but I will admit that when I first read this, I read it as Mark Spitz - the legendary swimmer - and said to myself, “What the christ? We swimmers don’t need hookers to get laid.)

Dear Media:

After tonight, let the Spitzerhook controversy die.  The guy had some sex.  So what? But you won’t because your executive producers are greedy bastards who probably aren’t getting enough at home. For the next two weeks, they will live vicariously through those who are balls-deep in this scandal, wishing they could afford $1,000 / hour prostitutes.

Dear CNN:

I will not fall asleep while watching Super Tuesday and Tornado coverage ever again.  I do not need dreams of being a storm chaser; that John McCain threatened to summon tornadoes and deploy them on towns that do not vote for him; film a massive tornado and record, in horror, Hillary Clinton shove Barack Obama into its path.

Dear People with dirt on your foreheads:

What the Christ?  No, seriously.

Dear Fat Tuesday partying girl at whom I wretched:

You had pancake nipples.   That’s why I jumped back ten feet and withdrew my offering of beads.  I mean, I’ve seen silver dollar-sized ones before, but what the hell? I honestly thought it was ringworm or some new disease that should be featured on an episode of House M.D.  Enjoy being someone’s fetish.

Dear South-West Pennsylvania:

Please stay weird, but let’s not push it to Florida-insane levels.

UNIONTOWN, Pa. — A Fayette County man has been convicted of first-degree murder and sentenced to life in prison for beating his girlfriend to death with a microwave oven.

And some of you should seek professional help.

Dear microwave users:

Microwaves should be used for cooking food and seeing what explodes inside them.  Radiation can be fun.  Let’s not microwave our severed hands, babies (yes, most babies do “fit right in”) or use them to kill people (like above).

Dear Barack Obama:

Keep staying awesome.  You’ll pull this out and then throttle McCain in November.

Dear Club Erotica:

Thank you so much for changing your advertisement in the City Paper.  I am glad you took my repeated emails about the tranny you featured in the photo seriously and decided to change the girl featured.  Good lord, if that’s the quality of girls you promote at your establishment it’s a wonder sports figures, celebrities and local politicians frequent there.

Perhaps you should look into better stock photography if the girls you have there do not “make the grade.”

Also nice orange Lamborghini, quite possibly the tackiest color you could pick, just like your club.

Dear Port Authority:

I overheard this the other day on a bus which had a broken til box: “If that asshole Onorato and you are the reason my Iron is ten percent more, the least you can do is do your part and take people’s money.”  Three times in the last two weeks I’ve been on a bus that was unable to charge people due to this recent feature.

Dear Dan Onorato:

Nothing new, get bent.

Dear Former Pittsburgh Councilwoman Twanda Carlisle:

You said you were “earnestly sorry for any misdoings and all misdoings”.  Thank you for being sorry for my - quite possibly many - misdoings.  I am glad I no longer have to apologize for them.

Please take an english course while in prison.