Dream Catchers to most people are ancient Anasazi voodoo. And they don’t work. Many people have tried them with the same lack of results. Most people don’t even use them properly. Who keeps them hanging from their rear-view mirror? Do they sleep in their car? They obviously are not true Believers as We are. You all know with undisputed Evidence in front of you that My recreation of the Dream Catcher does in fact work wonders.

It has to do with the Photoelectric effect and My own version of the Double Slit Experiment that some rumor to use four slits. I can neither confirm or deny this. To most people, this is still voodoo and I had an embarrassing date recently during which I tried to explain it. I’m not even getting into how it came up in conversation. But, really the jump from kittens to the Double Slit experiment is a feat only a few can make possible. I may, in fact, be the only one to have survived such a conversation and scored a second date.

How did I come to modify my specialty Dream Catchers? I had a dream in which the Former First Lady brought home two new kittens and two puppies. My kitten (named after a famous thought experiment), being her usual territorial self, channeled the behavior of her larger cousins in the panthura family, stalked and killed them all. It should be noted here that she only channeled the stalking aspect of their traits. For the kills, she used conventional weapons - razor choking wire, litter bomb (think car bomb), poisoned food (cyanide - where she acquired it, I have no idea, My private stores are locked in a safe) and a sniper rifle.

It was several days before I snapped out of it and stopped checking my food for poisons. Many of You were very brave for testing my food for me. Actually, none of You had a clue as to what I was actually doing. However, I know it’s only a matter of time. This is the evil kitten who hides the water bottle with which I threaten her when she claws the furniture.

But after a few more days, I delved into seclusion, passing Instruction by PGP encrypted morse code. I nearly died from the exhaustive work and the required number theory involved with what could have been known as My greatest gift to man-kind.

The end result was Our spectacular Dream Catcher.

When implanted into the brain, it uses my version of the Double Slit Experiment and a chemical version of the Photoelectric effect, it absorbs one’s dream and successfully separates the nightmares from the dream. In fact, this ground-breaking work should immediately be used by those who suffer from Night Terrors.

Dr. E. Brown in 1955 set the base theory and crude experimental devices for what I have achieved just over sixty years later. However, ours does more than tell if the person is there to sell subscriptions to the Saturday Evening Post. I dedicate this to his memory, whenever he may currently be. But without him present, it would have been much more difficult as licensing would have killed Our profits.

The applications outside of dream filtration is seemingly endless and has already given Us more data than We anticipated, which may be able to be used in the future. Think: Consciousness unfiltered and available to Psychologists and Psychiatrists. We could track (with GPS)  stop schizophrenics from acting on the voices they hear. It could even be another voice that they hear, and it could over power the harmful voices allowing the patient to live an actual life.

Be sure to Invest now because the applications for this, again, are endless!

Thrice today I had full-body tremors, during which my body felt afire and hummed with a strange enthusiasm not felt since… No, it wasn’t drugs nor a psychosis of an sort. They were a message. What the message is I am fortunate to be able to interpret the feelings correctly.

I am afraid some of it is dire news upon which We must act. I have learned of a great disturbance: Dan Onorato may be trying to destroy Us with heavy metal. I’m not referring to the music here, either. Heavy metal poison, periodic table type stuff. They’re a favorite means of disturbed women also who will use anything available - gold, lead, uranium, bleach and other cleaning products. Years ago, this may have been your sneaky commie conspiracy. It may still have its roots in communism and would be the only remnant show of Red influence.

Onorato, the Puppet Master, has reach to the Pennsylvania Liquor Control Board- a communist-style organization that’s around “for the good of the people,” to “protect them from themselves.” And if you thought they were just an alcohol monopoly, you would be wrong. They have access, they have control. The PLCB is, covertly, Pennsylvania’s best mercenary force. Perhaps best in the United States. You’d never suspect them. Their means of carrying out objectives are so simple that they are virtually undetectable, if at all.

“So what,” You might be asking at the moment, how does that affect Us? Do you know why Onorato pushed so hard for the drink tax? Why he wouldn’t even consider property tax as an option? Onorato is in quite a bit of debt to the PLCB. And that’s just the tip of the whole iceberg.

The PLCB is quite frankly just a front for a nation-wide loan shark and money laundering service. Mainly for those under public scrutiny: elected officials, judges, mob bosses, alleged mob bosses, etc. Why does the mob use them? Kickbacks on moonshine and alcohol running; even the mob’s best laundering capabilities have nothing on the PLCB.

This started several years ago when Onorato asked the PLCB to front the bribe money to get the votes to appoint Luke Ravenstahl as council president. After Ravenstahl was in place, time was their only obstacle. See, Onorato pushed for the drink tax because he’s behind on his payments to the PLCB and used it as a bargaining chip for a stay of repayment of his back-alley loan. What did he want? Ravenstahl as Pittsburgh’s mayor. The only obstacle was O’Connor. The PLCB agreed as they vehemently objected to O’Connor in office. O’Connor would be a terror to their organization and had secretly launched an investigation to their practices. Onorato was worried that his ties to the conspiracy would land him as a scape goat. He asked, for a price, for the PLCB to take care of O’Connor.

Through bribes to doctors and hospital officials to keep the truth of O’Connor’s “tumor” vague or unorthodox as to hide the fact that he was actually dying of heavy metal poisoning. See, the PLCB has access and control… how did they use this advantage? By replacing O’Connor’s select Scotch with tainted goods. It would take some time, but it was virtually untraceable. Add it to O’Connor’s pre-existing condition and no one would be the wiser. It was perfect.

O’Connor objected to any new tax involving his favorite past-time - drinking scotch and playing golf. He refused to endorse a new tax as the PLCB wanted (they only wanted three percent at the time) as he would not impose on his constituents that which he would not gladly pay himself.  There also were mumblings that O’Connor was meeting often with Governor Rendell to come up with a plan to abolish the PLCB and privatize the liquor industry.  Onorato secretly met with the PLCB Elite in the caves of the Poconos to discuss and further their common goals and they unhatched their unspoken plan to depose the Mayor.  The PLCB was only happy to oblige, but said Onorato was to finance the operation, but they would front certain costs as to move quickly and that Onorato was to implement a drink tax of five percent.

Now it was just a matter of convincing the County Council and how did Onorato do this?  In several closed door sessions with those susceptible to bribes or threats Onorato leveled them when he said that they didn’t want to go out the same way O’Connor did back in 2006.  Now how were they to object, they knew the probable way it was handled, but they were unable to prove any of it.  They knew the PLCB was the most powerful behind-the-scenes force in the nation next to stupidity.

However, Onorato was falling behind on his payments to the PLCB, with the current tax structure and that proposed, he was in jeopardy of defaulting the PLCB.  Most would rather give their left hand than default to the PLCB.  So the push for ten percent began and the silent threat of the PLCB’s mercenary forces kept the majority of dissenters quiet.

Now why are we in danger?  In hopes to challenge the corruption of the County Executive, I sent him a letter in October, informing him that I knew of his plan and would expose him.  (How did I know?  I had similar tremors in October, I long kept them secret as worried to draw suspicion, I had to be sure they were for something good.)  He rebuked that offer quickly and dispatched his Daleks to force Us into submission.  The Daleks were no match for Our motherly Wargs and Onorato realized We could not be subdued by force.  He knew We would have to be neutralized quietly.

Henceforth, We must come up with a plan to protect our precious fluids from being tampered with by the PLCB.  These are dangerous times and we must act with haste and get our allies after them to before we’re destroyed by PLCB retaliation.

Several years ago, as Everyone may recall, We had a break-in at The Campus offices and it was noticed that several of Our up-and-coming projects had been compromised.  This was a difficult hour for Us all, however it led to the new security installations as well as the development of Our industry-leading Automated Sentry Server.

Granted there were a few bugs to fix up in the early going, but those who sustained injury recovered quickly and We completely covered their medical expenses.  Thankfully, no amputation was necessary as it was rumored shortly after the incident occurred.

What was stolen from Our offices back in 2003?  Our weather machine.   Many of You knew this is what was stolen already, but now We know who stole it:  The Chinese.  They already are claiming to stop the rain at the Olympics.

“CHINESE weather boffins say they have stopped the rain from falling in experiments aimed at guaranteeing a dry opening ceremony at August’s Olympic Games.”

There go Our millions, Our billions.  More specifically it was the Chinese Organizational Bureaucracy of Reproductive Anemometers.  I assume this group was working for, if not with, the Chinese government, who at this time is disavowing knowledge of this secret Chinese Command.

How the theft was pulled off is still a mystery, how We were infiltrated, not so much: We had three labs assigned to this dangerous assignment capable of god-like changes in the weather.  One was in the Arctic, another on an isolated island in the Pacific (on of the many atolls in the area) and the main lab hidden within an Aztec temple which the Mexican government let Us use in exchange for licensing rights. One of the chief scientists working on Our project, some of you may remember, was a Scotsman named Dr. McCullen.  Our recent intelligence implies Dr. McCullen was the leak, the same intelligence brands him as an international arms dealer with strong ties to the Chinese organization.

“What do We do now,” is what you might be asking Yourselves.  For now, We wait.