In a time like this, it saddens me that Our beloved Lucy has gone missing.  Whether or not She escaped or was stolen remains to be solved.  Lucy was Our Friend and beloved Campus Guard, protecting us from intruders and Mormon missionaries.  If anyone reading this has any information, please contact Us immediately.

Lucy was last seen in the parking lot after the Hannah Montana concert last night.  Any rumors of her terrorizing the public remain to be seen, however We can deny that anyone antagonizing her didn’t deserve what they got.  I assure the general public that Lucy will not harm the child she carried off in Her jaw.  She’s very gentle.