Yes, these are late and with no good reason outside of the fact that well, I don’t have a good reason.

Dear Penguins:

You’ve been playing some brilliant hockey!  Keep it up!

Dear Sean Avery of the New York Rangers:

This serves you right for being a little shit on the ice.  I hope you try to talk shit from your hospital bed. Nobody in the NHL likes you; I doubt even your own teammates.  You should retire.

Dear Experts who say that wedding days are no piece of cake:

Really?  I had no idea. It’s only been documented since the beginning of time, in countless idiotic romantic comedies, sitcoms and other inane media. For some reason, there is an overbearing hype placed on having an elaborate and over-priced ceremony, reception and weight on what comes down to something that nobody but the bride and groom really care about. Especially those who have, well, four or five marriages in a lifetime.   Maybe the pressure comes from the bride’s mother since a small percentage of mothers live vicariously through their daughters.

And speaking of marriage…

Dear Sen. Vince Fumo, D-Philadelphia

Way to hit the crowd with some common sense.

Mr. Fumo railed back, calling those arguments ignorant.

“If two homosexuals are allowed to get married, is that going to affect your marriage? Your marriage is that weak you’re going to get a divorce over that?” he said to Philadelphian James Horn, a father of eight who testified in favor of the constitutional amendment.

Exactly.  But, unfortunately you then shot yourself in the foot by comparing the discrimination of homosexuals to the Jews of Nazi Germany.

“The majority of people in Germany did not accept Jews. Does that make it right that they exterminated them?”

Way to Godwin the argument.

Dear Mr. James Horn & other people who think they have the right to tell people how to live:

You have absolutely no common sense nor sense of self.  The fact that you allow your marriage to be defined by anything other than what’s between you and your wife is pathetic.  I feel sorry that you’re a sheep and allow your life to be determined by an unoriginal book that’s been told by word of mouth; translated (possibly mistranslated - by accident or on purpose); voted upon to decide what goes in it; and probably mis-interpreted by many to its actual message.  If the Bible said to drink the koolaid (or whatever variation), you probably would drink it without question.  Oh wait, you probably do with communion.

Dear Me:

I am still awaiting the first church to make world history due to poisoned communion wine.  Then we’ll find out if transubstantiation exists or not.

Dear Onorato:

Your Onorato Tax (or drink tax) is bringing in more money than expected.  Prove that you are not a sack of shit and return any money that was not projected to be needed by the Port Authority to the industry.  However, I, and many others, know you will not and I’m calling it now.

Dear Ravenstahl:

Just what the hell is this?  Way to follow in Onorato’s footsteps, proving what many already knew you to be - a pawn of special interests that leads you to betray the public in spectacular fashion.  I wonder if Bob O’Connor is now rolling in his grave.  If he is spinning fast enough, we should tap that energy source for the light-rail system to help cut down on the Port Authority’s costs.

Dear Port Authority:

I have now been on six buses with broken till boxes unable to accept dollar bills or coins.  And you want the public to bail you out.

Dear Allegheny County Bar & Restaurant Owners:

Normally I speak out against class-action lawsuits as most are idiotic and frivolous and really only benefit the attorney and / or law firm representing the victims or usually “victims” who never see a dime.  This may be one in which it would be of public benefit.

Dear President Bush:

Nice job on lying directly to the press yesterday - who then called you out on it immediately after - and trying to place blame on Democratic-controlled Congress (It was more the GOP’s fault).  Also you sounded like a damn fool.  You didn’t once think to maybe take some public speaking classes so you don’t stutter all over yourself while trying to think of a way to make it sound as if you were not lying?  You should take some lessons from Hillary Clinton.  And both you and Senator Clinton should get bent.

Councilman Matt Drozd has projected a surplus from the Onorato Tax of 20 million.  What does he want to do with that surplus - why, he wants to give it back!  How nice of him.  So instead of raising property taxes, he’s giving a rebate in hopes of saving face and retaining his worthless seat on the County Council.

In any tax year in which revenue received from taxes authorized by Act 44 of 2007 exceeds the budgeted amounts for such revenue, the amount of the excess revenue shall be returned to the taxpayers of Allegheny County in the form of a property tax rebate.

Take money from the bartenders and give it to someone else.  That’s right, penalize them for the jobs they have.  Ladies and Gentleman, We now have the missing step. And we now have the “moneyshot” of the council’s actions over the last six months.

1. Introduce Drink Tax and claim there is no other choice other than a property tax.
2. Conspire with council on ways to make yourselves look good after the fact when you know there is going to be a huge surplus after burdening local bars and restaurants.  Remember: Look smug and try to hide the deception from public - learn from Belichick and Brady!
3. Give tax breaks to property owners.
4. Still have surplus, refuse to abolish drink tax.
5. Profit!

You could not have planned a better way for this to turn out!

Oh, wait, they probably did from the beginning.

Rumor has it the Port Authority lobbied non-profits to sign petitions in support of the drink tax and offered kickbacks in the form of “grants.” I place the idea of this from the twisted, evil mind of Dr. Martoni.    Hey, Martoni, Port Authority: you’re supposed to be in need of 30 million dollars.  Where is this phantom money going to come from?   Stop fucking the people on whom you rely.