In a supplement and extension of last week’s remarks about the idiocy of Pittsburgh’s drivers… I also have to question their basic reading comprehension and ability to recognize signs on the road.

I must report a massive win for Our Congregation.

But, first: Your obligatory back story.  For years when The Campus was located south of the Liberty Tubes many of Us who rely on Port Authority would have to face the inevitable “Smithfield Wait” as idiots would clog up the intersection of Smithfield and Boulevard of the Allies.  This, often during rush hour and other peak traffic times, would create the Sea of Exhaust as the line of buses would be viewable from my office window all the way down to 6th Avenue.  One dreary winter day I decided to take a pilgrimage (please, do not confuse this with the Hajj) down to 6th, took a left and continued down 6th to Wood and then turning left again on to Wood.  Wood was then backed up with buses all the way to halfway between 5th and Forbes.

Shit.  This was on a Friday. People wanted to get home, out of the cold and start drinking the memories of the work week away.  But they couldn’t. Why? Because of asshole drivers (which were recently called the most courteous) turning right and /or left on red and blocking the buses from making any forward progress.

Some bus drivers would attempt to subvert this behavior by pulling up only as far as they needed and hold back some of the flow from the Boulevard - which usually resulted in drivers attempting to pass the bus or pulling directly behind it and usually blocking traffic on the Boulevard - gridlock.

I, personally, wrote several letters over the years to the City, County and Port Authority - along with pictures - suggesting that during rush hour (4pm to 7pm) that the single lane of Smithfield south-bound between Boulevard and Fort Pitt be a HOV / Bus only lane in hopes that I may get home in timely manner and not be compelled to wait in the cold or rain as my bus was delayed by assholes.

It seems they finally were seen by someone or someone in a position of power finally had a moment of clarity or common sense and took some action.

They, took it one step further and made it Buses only, all the time last Thursday or Friday.  Now, considering I work in this little, but heavily trafficked corridor of Smithfield it kind of sucks, but for the higher purpose it servers I am thankful.

Checking from the otherside of the street:

Lenny: George, what are these orange barriers? Are they for the rabbits, George?
George: No, Lenny, those are there to stop drivers from turning left.
Lenny: Shame, I thought they were for the rabbits. Wait, that guy just turned left and almost hit that guy. You said they couldn’t turn here, what if that guy walking was a rabbit and hit him?

note: there was someone who walked across the street, was almost hit and had to run to avoid this stupid-looking SUV.  He is behind it in this picture - also take notice of the car all the way to the left:

because there they are!

However, I have yet to see one driver get pulled for turning here.  Where are the officers that are so trigger happy to ticket drivers when it comes to any other part of the Smithfield Bus Lane?  Perhaps they haven’t yet received the memo about the changes to this intersection.

With one of Our goals for 2008 finally out of the way, We can focus on getting the entire Bush Administration charged by the Hague for War Crimes.  That is more of a 2009 goal as Congress doesn’t have the balls to Impeach Bush or Cheney.

I don’t care what Auto Vantage said.  Pittsburgh’s drivers are some of the most inept people on the road.  We sponsored Our own independent survey and found most Pittsburgh drivers to be idiots and have no sense of right or left. Our study also shows that the blood pressure of Our Congregation is higher in Pittsburgh than it is in other cities. This study already factors in the constant construction on the Parkway and city streets.

Take for instance My driving experience last night. I’m behind a vintage blue Toyota Corolla with the driver cruising along Ellsworth at a brisk fifteen miles per hour while approaching a light that just turned green.  However, by the time we actually reached the light it was back to red.  There’s no excuse for this madness.

Later, I’m behind a car on one of Pittsburgh’s many one way streets approaching a light.  The driver in front of me signals (far ahead of the light) that they are going to turn left and in a move which is bereft of common sense: the drivers moves all the way over to the RIGHT then angles the car back to the LEFT.  Why is this a problem? Well, because I wanted to make a legal right turn on red.

The driver in front of me seemed genuinely confused as to why I shouted out my window that they were a clueless asshole and should have their license suspended until their common sense skills develop.  Considering this person was easily in their forties, I don’t think they should hold much hope.  However, the situation did have the benefit of providing some amusement for the people waiting at the bus stop.

So I usually will take the bus to not increase my blood pressure - but then there’s the problem of mass transit in general.  I have a new solution to the Port Authority’s blood letting-like practive of hemoraging money:  follow what the airlines do when it comes to extra large passengers - charge them double.  I don’t need to be pressed against the window of the bus (who knows what germs are present from the crappin’ kids that are brought on by their parents or the other people who fail to bathe daily :shudder:

Charging them double the fare would raise money for the Port Auth and also motivate people to lose weight and get in shape. It’s win-win! Why are we not doing this?  I will tell you why: The extra-large people can easily manipulate matter (read: Me) with their extra-large hands and force other passengers through the window when it’s suggested, under one’s breath, that they should go pay another $2 dollars to ride the bus. How he heard me over his labored breathing I cannot answer.

Big Guy (bg): [ encroaching on my space ]
BG: [ labored breathing ]
CL (under my breath): Port Authority should take a hint from the airlines and charge some people double
BG: The airlines can only get away with that because most people cannot fit through the oval-shaped window when thrown.
CL: Touche [ I hate this term, but it is fitting ]
BG: [ more labored breathing ]

I’ll give him credit for that.  Would I be the only one who is disappointed that the labored breathing is not in a manner like Darth Vader? I guess it’s a blessing in disguise since he could have then force-pushed me out the window or force-choked me and no one would be the wiser.

I also almost missed my stop (usually people are chasing the bus to get on, very rarely are they hindered from getting off the bus) because said large passenger CANNOT GET OUT OF THE SEAT.  I held my tongue even though it was tempting to say, “I’ve scaled Everest, I think I can scale you to get off the bus.”

All that he was missing was an oxygen tank and a motorized kart.

My Faithful,

What is happening with Our beloved Steelers these days?  What happened to the days of old when aggression was taken out on other teams on the field? Months ago, at one of Our Gatherings, I gave a speech on the virtues of not being involved with people who bring drama into Our lives.  To distance Ourselves from those who may be prone to inciting a police stand-off when pushed to the edge.  This was of course in reference to the January standoff between Lindsey Paulet, ex-girlfriend of - now ex-Steeler - Cedrick Wilson, and police.

I know what it’s like to be stalked and harassed.  It can be a frightful experience; one that, if you live through it, gives life that quality of surreal antiquity.  How when you wake up suddenly at three in the morning and instead of being upset that you awoke, you are relieved that it wasn’t because of the phone ringing, and ringing, and ringing, and ringing.  Then there are the notes left on your door.  Your mail left open in your mailbox.  The key scratches left on your car door.  Your missing kitten (seriously, that’s comparable to crossing the 38th Parallel).  These are reasons to get Wargs for Our protection.

The events of January seemed to be of that quality that Ms. Paulet could have been the type of borderline personality-type stalker who would pull a stunt of such proportions to attract attention.  My first guess may have been unfairly wrong.  Because of My former experiences, I empathized with Wilson after the original reported incident. My apologies, Ms. Paulet.

It is very rare that I am wrong…  I hope it is not repeated.

There seems to be good reason why Ms. Paulet was armed and now seems most definitely self-defense.  Because what the fuck is wrong with you, Cedric Wilson?

At around 8 last night, Mr. Wilson approached 26-year-old Lindsey Paulat, of Fawn, at Patron’s Restaurant near Route 910 and Perry Highway in Pine, police said. He then pushed Ms. Paulet, the mother of his 16-month-old daughter, and punched her in the face when she turned around, according to a criminal complaint charging Mr. Wilson. [sic]

Which is it, Paulat or Paulet?   Regardless, let’s hope she stays as the ex-girlfriend of Wilson.  Anyway, Push in the back is a fifteen yard penalty, Wilson. Maybe this will net you fifteen months.  Steelers wide receiver’s coach Randy Fichtner released a statement which said that this tactic is not taught and would be considered offensive pass interference.

Jokes aside, what is interesting?  For Me at least, which means it should be for You as well: In elementary school this exact same thing happened to Me on the school bus in fifth grade (sans a 16-month-old hellspawn - I was probably not even shooting blanks yet). My first day at a new school. The kid’s name who pushed me in the back then decked me in the face when I turned around?  Cedric.  I hated being the new kid.  His last name wasn’t Wilson.

The Harrison incident is masked under the blanket of good will as he wanted to take his son to be baptized.  But both incidents are disturbing.  At least we don’t have Randy Moss running down women in parking lots.

 [T]eam spokesman Dave Lockett wrote in a statement. “We needed to increase the prices to remain competitive.

Competitive against whom? I must have missed the announcement that Pittsburgh started another NFL franchise. And then, usually you lower prices to remain competitive.  Not like you don’t have a salary cap and a 30+ year history of selling out every single game. First the drink tax, now this? Well, it didn’t stop people from drinking and the ticket hike isn’t going You from giving Me tickets to games in the offering plate.

At least since announced on the same day I can peacefully blame Cedric Wilson for the increased price of tickets for home games.

I think the fluctuation of the temperature over the last month or so has many knocked way off center.

Dear The Garage Door Saloon: Wetback Wednesdays? Seriously?

The Garage Door Saloon on Atwood Street is catching some flak for a sign advertising its midweek special: “Wetback Wednesday.”

The special nets you five Coronitas for $7 and 75-cent tacos.

Somehow I don’t think you thought your cunning marketing scheme through properly. Well, considering the bar occupies former “great” bars like Cumpie’s (which was raided more times than I could possibly remember while at Pitt) this isn’t surprising. This is almost as well thought out name as Operation Wetback. Who came up with that? Oh, the U.S. Government.

Dear Nightwire:

Your content is irrelevant and worth less than the bad paper on which it is printed. The recycled jokes from email forwards in 1997 need to go. You also probably paid for them as well. But what can we expect from a re-vamped former stripper magazine.

Dear Lux:

“I have no actual content or reason for being in existence other than to sell businesses advertising in my made-for-midget-sized magazine that will then be left on random tables anonymously at perceived trendy bars and establishments around town.”

[CL Note: Don't confuse Lux with Luxx on Carson Street]

Dear Maniac Magazine:

See letter to Lux (above). Fifteen pages of content and sixty-four of ads and photos (most of which are terrible and worthless). You have a great selling point. Your Haute List (nice lifting the name from the NY Post), considering the fact that your magazine tends to be two months behind is, well, two months behind. Also, pandering to the Pittsburghers who live vicariously through photos of people at events held, you guessed it, two months ago is hardly relevant. It’s even worse when the photographers hired don’t know how to use a flash. I had high hopes. I am… disappointed. You should focus on the future, not interviewing sugar daddies.

Dear Trib P.M.:

Thank you for the daily sudoku! You may not have known this, but Ananova.com is not a reputable news source. It’s almost a tabloid of a news source. Oh wait, I guess that fits considering many think of the Trib as a tabloid of Pittsburgh. You might as well get your news from Fark.com.

Dear Whirl:

I didn’t really think there was a market for a magazine full of old people at charity benefits. My parents are going to the Bon Jovi concert, maybe they’d like your magazine.

Dear Pittsburgh City Paper:

The Hill is still angry. Maybe Chris Potter should write more articles about that!

Dear Ray Nagin:

You may be a vagina-friendly mayor, but Elliot Spitzer just out played you; he’s one of the first vagina-friendly governors. Bill Clinton has you both beat.

The fear mongering and bashing that Hillary Clinton has spewed out in the past week actually worked.  I was taking bets on tears, instead we got venom.  Damn those Vegas people for being on top of that one. Number forty-seven, You won the Vegas pool for the venom mention from Our last Gathering.  Please remember Your tithe will be expected within seven days.

I blame Jon Stewart for yesterday and having Clinton on his show Monday night.

If Clinton continues in her actions she is going to tear the Democratic party apart before they can get to the convention and it’s going to be brutal.  Her 3am commercial is the height of idiocy and bad advertising.  Hell, even her husband, Bill Clinton is against fear mongering in campaigns.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yZW0m2nWB_M 425 355]

And here’s hoping that Hillary Clinton doesn’t destroy the Democratic party between now and the convention.  Thirty-two years with two families at the top levels of the government doesn’t sound like much of a democracy to me.   Now Hillary wants to add eight more.  Fucking Christ.

At the Columbus protest of Scientology, not one, but two people were hit by a bus. One was wounded pretty severely. This woman at the Columbus cult office when first mentioning the incident began to laugh as if it was hysterical. When she’s told it was the person on the phone, she changes her tone and then says that five of them wanted to go out and help, but was advised against it.  The video includes footage of one of the victims of the accident getting hit by the bus.

She went onto claim that she called the hospital to make sure those hit by the bus were alright. She says that Xenu is wacky and doesn’t know what Computer Science III is. How do you not know what Computer Science III is?

Here’s a video recap of the last month and how all this picketing came together.

Councilman Matt Drozd has projected a surplus from the Onorato Tax of 20 million.  What does he want to do with that surplus - why, he wants to give it back!  How nice of him.  So instead of raising property taxes, he’s giving a rebate in hopes of saving face and retaining his worthless seat on the County Council.

In any tax year in which revenue received from taxes authorized by Act 44 of 2007 exceeds the budgeted amounts for such revenue, the amount of the excess revenue shall be returned to the taxpayers of Allegheny County in the form of a property tax rebate.

Take money from the bartenders and give it to someone else.  That’s right, penalize them for the jobs they have.  Ladies and Gentleman, We now have the missing step. And we now have the “moneyshot” of the council’s actions over the last six months.

1. Introduce Drink Tax and claim there is no other choice other than a property tax.
2. Conspire with council on ways to make yourselves look good after the fact when you know there is going to be a huge surplus after burdening local bars and restaurants.  Remember: Look smug and try to hide the deception from public - learn from Belichick and Brady!
3. Give tax breaks to property owners.
4. Still have surplus, refuse to abolish drink tax.
5. Profit!

You could not have planned a better way for this to turn out!

Oh, wait, they probably did from the beginning.

Rumor has it the Port Authority lobbied non-profits to sign petitions in support of the drink tax and offered kickbacks in the form of “grants.” I place the idea of this from the twisted, evil mind of Dr. Martoni.    Hey, Martoni, Port Authority: you’re supposed to be in need of 30 million dollars.  Where is this phantom money going to come from?   Stop fucking the people on whom you rely.