I’m waiting for boy-Mayor Ravenstahl to launch Wing Attack Plan-R:

“Yes gentlemen, they are on their way in, and no one can bring them back. For the sake of our country, and our way of life, I suggest you get the rest of SAC in after them. Otherwise, we will be totally destroyed by Red retaliation. Uh, my boys will give you the best kind of start, 1400 megatons worth, and you sure as hell won’t stop them now, uhuh. Uh, so let’s get going, there’s no other choice. God willing, we will prevail, in peace and freedom from fear, and in true health, through the purity and essence of our natural… fluids. God bless you all.”

Just really.  How does this happen?  Seems a little ass-backward.  We’ve stored up on antibiotics to combat the Youghiogheny problem of their incompetence which results in putting raw sewage back into the river.  But now there seems to be a direct line from the sewers of Pittsburgh (in the Strip anyway) right into the fresh water supply.  Or as fresh as the water can be coming from the rivers surrounding us.

Nothing like turning on the faucet and seeing white foam shoot sporadically out of it.

At least they didn’t get to the children’s ice cream.   Remember to drink only rain water from now on.

I’m also not sure how effective Ravenstahl’s implementation of  Plan-R would go, considering his version uses mechanical tigers.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-QMaS4pB9rw 425 355]

Luke ruined the party for everybody.  Because the city has a stick up its ass, drinking outdoors - one of the only reasons to even go to the St. Patrick’s Day parade - has been limited to Crackhead Market Square and only between the hours of 10 a.m. and 4 p.m. in hopes to make it more “family friendly”.

Today, Pittsburgh Mayor Luke Ravenstahl announced a plan that keeps boozing indoors to make the event safe and more family friendly.

The city’s lax open-container policy is a thing of the past.

I’m sure the Mayor is just worried about getting too drunk himself and having another run-in with the police.

Ah well, there are better places to be than fighting traffic to get downtown.  And what better place than Claddaugh Irish Pub (South Side Works) to see the PG’s Bill Toland get his head shaved.  He’s even raised his goal twice from the initial $1,000 to $2,000 and beat the goal.

Dear Post-Gazette:

I know you’re a Clinton shill, but try to give a balanced perspective of both Democratic Candidates.  To hold you accountable, Our Chief Political Correspondent and I will be counting both the number of front page articles (and all articles) about each candidate and their frequency. Stories about both candidates, like those about them courting the boy-mayor will not count.

Today’s initial count for March 11 (attempts will be made to back-date this to March 5, the day PA was thrown into prominence after Clinton’s shamelessness):

Clinton: 5
Obama: 1 (And that one grabbed from the AP)

For those playing at home you can follow along online.   I’ll come up with some scoring system that hopefully is fair to both candidates.

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Adding one more thing that I wrote about a Clinton backer pulling the race card:  Obama camp calls for Clinton to drop Ferraro. And just so everyone’s clear, this is not the first gaff, but comes as part of a series of them from Clinton supporters.

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Let’s also knock down Clinton a couple more pegs.

She “managed crisis” with Sinbad, Sheryl Crow and her daughter.

Susan Rice, a foreign policy adviser to Obama, mocked Clinton for her claim of having made a corkscrew landing into Bosnia under the threat of sniper fire, when, as Rice pointed out, she made the trip with Chelsea, Sheryl Crow and Sinbad.

“In fact, it was a meet-and-greet and concert with the troops,” said Rice.

And now Clinton has Sinbad himself ripping on her for it.

What else? Oh, that claim about the Northern Ireland:

Hillary Clinton had no direct role in bringing peace to Northern Ireland and is a “wee bit silly” for exaggerating the part she played, according to Lord Trimble of Lisnagarvey, the Nobel Peace Prize winner and former First Minister of the province.

So, I now speak to the Post-Gazette:  Where are these stories?

I think the fluctuation of the temperature over the last month or so has many knocked way off center.

Dear The Garage Door Saloon: Wetback Wednesdays? Seriously?

The Garage Door Saloon on Atwood Street is catching some flak for a sign advertising its midweek special: “Wetback Wednesday.”

The special nets you five Coronitas for $7 and 75-cent tacos.

Somehow I don’t think you thought your cunning marketing scheme through properly. Well, considering the bar occupies former “great” bars like Cumpie’s (which was raided more times than I could possibly remember while at Pitt) this isn’t surprising. This is almost as well thought out name as Operation Wetback. Who came up with that? Oh, the U.S. Government.

Dear Nightwire:

Your content is irrelevant and worth less than the bad paper on which it is printed. The recycled jokes from email forwards in 1997 need to go. You also probably paid for them as well. But what can we expect from a re-vamped former stripper magazine.

Dear Lux:

“I have no actual content or reason for being in existence other than to sell businesses advertising in my made-for-midget-sized magazine that will then be left on random tables anonymously at perceived trendy bars and establishments around town.”

[CL Note: Don't confuse Lux with Luxx on Carson Street]

Dear Maniac Magazine:

See letter to Lux (above). Fifteen pages of content and sixty-four of ads and photos (most of which are terrible and worthless). You have a great selling point. Your Haute List (nice lifting the name from the NY Post), considering the fact that your magazine tends to be two months behind is, well, two months behind. Also, pandering to the Pittsburghers who live vicariously through photos of people at events held, you guessed it, two months ago is hardly relevant. It’s even worse when the photographers hired don’t know how to use a flash. I had high hopes. I am… disappointed. You should focus on the future, not interviewing sugar daddies.

Dear Trib P.M.:

Thank you for the daily sudoku! You may not have known this, but Ananova.com is not a reputable news source. It’s almost a tabloid of a news source. Oh wait, I guess that fits considering many think of the Trib as a tabloid of Pittsburgh. You might as well get your news from Fark.com.

Dear Whirl:

I didn’t really think there was a market for a magazine full of old people at charity benefits. My parents are going to the Bon Jovi concert, maybe they’d like your magazine.

Dear Pittsburgh City Paper:

The Hill is still angry. Maybe Chris Potter should write more articles about that!

Dear Ray Nagin:

You may be a vagina-friendly mayor, but Elliot Spitzer just out played you; he’s one of the first vagina-friendly governors. Bill Clinton has you both beat.

I had something else planned for the open letters this month, but some happenings from recent events have led Me to change course a bit:

Dear Gerry Ferraro, staunch Clinton Supporter:

You wonderful, wonderful woman: thank you for putting another hole into Clinton’s campaign with your short-sighted remarks. Thank you for the irony that was your slogan in ‘84. American does need new leadership.

“If Obama was a white man, he would not be in this position,” she continued. “And if he was a woman (of any color) he would not be in this position. He happens to be very lucky to be who he is. And the country is caught up in the concept.”

Dear Hillary Clinton:

Please, stop! This is why we can’t have nice things! It’s getting pathetic and more transparent by the day. Stop trying to fool people into voting for you buy mentioning a Clinton / Obama ticket. Everybody knows it will never happen. I know it’s too much to ask, but stop trying to turn the Democratic party into a circus.

Dear Elliot Spitzer:

It could have been worse and I’m dubbing it: Spitzerhook. You could have lost consciousness at the Nutcracker Suite.  (Don’t ask why, but I will admit that when I first read this, I read it as Mark Spitz - the legendary swimmer - and said to myself, “What the christ? We swimmers don’t need hookers to get laid.)

Dear Media:

After tonight, let the Spitzerhook controversy die.  The guy had some sex.  So what? But you won’t because your executive producers are greedy bastards who probably aren’t getting enough at home. For the next two weeks, they will live vicariously through those who are balls-deep in this scandal, wishing they could afford $1,000 / hour prostitutes.

Notch another one up for the Drink Tax

Owners Seeking Drink Tax Help Reach Sex Line

PITTSBURGH (KDKA) ― Some bar and restaurant owners in Allegheny County were trying to get help with the drink tax by dialing a toll-free number, but instead reached a sex line.

Allegheny County Treasurer John Weinstein says the number was a typo that occurred when the flyers were printed. Only a handful were mailed.

The letters have a new number that doesn’t send callers to a sex line.

Was this why Onorato was greeted by a chorus of “Booooos” at Myron Cope’s send-off on Friday?

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Someone donates box of grenades to Goodwill store

Police are searching for a person who left four hand grenades in a Westmoreland County Goodwill shop.

This is in violation of the Die Hard 3 rule.  “You can leave that here.  Some kid could…”  Even the bad guys in that movie followed this one.

After reading the following article, I have decided that We no longer must abide by the Ten Commandments.  This may anger Charlton Heston, but since We’re members of the NRA, he may let Us off with a warning.  He did, after all, save us from Yul Brynner’s sadistic grasp.

Moses was high on drugs.

High on Mount Sinai, Moses was on psychedelic drugs when he heard God deliver the Ten Commandments, an Israeli researcher claimed in a study published this week.

Yeah, the whole burning bush thing makes sense.  What religious leader was not on some sort of mind-altering substance or schizophrenic?  Many of My edicts are declared under such a state, and I am only following in the footsteps of the great prophets of times long since past.  How else was I able to travel back in time to the future.  It is not just a paradox, but also a state of mind.

In all reality, Moses was high and burning bush became a metaphor for one of his mistresses who gave him the clap; hence his new-found hatred for adultery.

Many followers were most likely on drugs as well.  Who builds a cow out of gold?  These were Hebrews, not Hindus.

This also explains the truth behind wandering around the desert for forty fucking years and why Moses wasn’t killed after being lost for a month.  You can also argue they say around a rock as well looking for manna.

But don’t let Yourselves off the hook just yet when it comes to anarchy and mayhem.  I will rewrite the now defunct commandments and model them more to My liking.  It will benefit Us all and lead Us through the next century of human development.

The fear mongering and bashing that Hillary Clinton has spewed out in the past week actually worked.  I was taking bets on tears, instead we got venom.  Damn those Vegas people for being on top of that one. Number forty-seven, You won the Vegas pool for the venom mention from Our last Gathering.  Please remember Your tithe will be expected within seven days.

I blame Jon Stewart for yesterday and having Clinton on his show Monday night.

If Clinton continues in her actions she is going to tear the Democratic party apart before they can get to the convention and it’s going to be brutal.  Her 3am commercial is the height of idiocy and bad advertising.  Hell, even her husband, Bill Clinton is against fear mongering in campaigns.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yZW0m2nWB_M 425 355]

And here’s hoping that Hillary Clinton doesn’t destroy the Democratic party between now and the convention.  Thirty-two years with two families at the top levels of the government doesn’t sound like much of a democracy to me.   Now Hillary wants to add eight more.  Fucking Christ.

With his 10-story garage to hold 3,800 cars.  Or after Pittsburgh’s do their version of staying in the yellow lines, 3,456 parking spaces will be available.  I’m talking about you, the idiot that drives the BMW 740i and thinks they must manage to take up three spaces in a downtown garage.  Yes, it was me that pulled right in front of you with very little clearance from the right-front of your bumper.  I hope you enjoyed my note, asshole.  I had fun drawing it.

This, however, is about what Barden is not telling the public.  The money that could be used to submerge several stories of the garage underground and holdback the floods of the Ohio River, is actually being funnelled into two underground stories to hold those suspected of cheating in his new casino.

Not to be out-done by Sam “Ace” Rothstein, the rooms to hold those suspected of cheating will not just contain hammers, vices and electrical saws, but an assortment of medieval torture devices from his personal collection and that of his business partners.  Many of these have to be transferred overseas from Europe and Japan.  This shipping cost is enormous (think of the shipping costs for the Chihuly exhibit and multiply it by Pi).

In all seriouness, only Pittsburgh could take five-plus years to institute a money-making machine such as a casino.  Only Pennsylvania would do it half-assed and not allow table games.  How are slot machines going to attract people to Pittsburgh when they can venture an hour south and enjoy a full casino.  Bravo.

The Burgh Report and Pist-Gazette have been covering the idiocy that is the clusterfuck of the huge LED sign to be placed downtown that is up for debate.    According to both, the sign is not a sign and it is not electric.  Jesus Christ.

“As Char described in her The Sign That Is Not A Sign post, the Ravenstahl Adminstration [sic] is asserting that an electric 1200-foot LED sign is neither a sign, nor electronic.”

The Burgh Report proposed that this is a candle-powered LED.

However, I think Pittsburgh is going to be in for a big revelation when Ravenstahl admits that LAMAR has harnessed a power we cannot fathom and that humanity has just as recently as 200 years ago, burned people at the stake for their believes in this power.

This power is either magic or witchcraft, both pretty much the same with some base fundamental differences.  Think of it as Christianity and Islam.  Similar message with similar results, but different ways of approaching the end result (I’ll give it away here, everybody still dies).

This “power” is what will be powering the sign-that-is-not-a-sign-nor-electric and that it will be, in fact, an apparition.   Several members of Ravenstahl’s Administration will be seen waving drumstick-like pieces of wood and several will also be dressing in robes and Ravenstahl himself will don a cape for the remainder of his term.

You heard it here first.

Our Chief Political Correspondent suspects this may have something to do with Pittsburgh and the Mayan Prophecies and that the LED is the Portal of Light and Happiness. We will cover this interesting topic at Our next Gathering.