Peppi’s is using Chef’s Quality Ketchup. Wait… What? This is worse than when Max & Erma’s used Hunt’s. The package makes the ketchup feel runny. I’m looking for a Volunteer to try it.The image of the chef isn’t even Chef from South Park. If it was, I may have given it a try myself.

7-2 on Hillary Clinton crying within the next 48 hours. Even on that these tears make actually be real, but that depends on how well she handles herself against Obama in Thursday night’s debate. The latter may change so place your bets carefully. Obama has also won the support of the Teamsters. The good thing is if he does not win the nomination or the presidency, he can run the Tangier’s.

More girls are coming forward against the teenage boy who already stands accused of raping two others. This sounds familiar, probably because of the Law and Order: SVU episode which was on over the weekend, in which a sex-addicted boy rapes his teacher (Clarissa from Clarissa Explains it All), has sex with prostitutes, gets sent to some treatment center which is actually all about the game of grab-ass. At that facility, he’s raped by some older guy on the first night and the circle of life continues. The kid didn’t know he was supposed to beat the shit out of someone or shank them his first night. Serves him right for not taking cues from TV and movies.

Or this could be the Law and Order episode in which there is a group of guys who keep score of the girls with whom they sleep and video tape. Either one can be somewhat applicable.

Back to reality, if convicted, this kid should be made and eunuch.

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Dan Onorato’s pretending to have a sudden outbreak of common sense. Poker machines - who would have thought?

[I]n his meeting last week, Mr. Onorato echoed the sentiment of some tavern and bar owners — that the machines should be legalized, and the state, county and city could regulate their use, thus collecting revenue.

If this was the case, we could open up Our poker machines to the public to raise Awareness for our cause and possibly have more money within the Coffers upon which We can earn interest.

But will never happen. Why? Well, got to get it approved by the state first. I doubt they’d budge.

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Many of You asked me why we don’t allow asphyxiation or electrical play in the Nutcracker Suite. This is why.

Taylor then explained that he hooks clips to his wife’s nipples and “plugs the cord into a electric strip” and shocks her. On Wednesday evening, Taylor said, Kirsten removed her clothes, attached the clips, and shocked herself. He then picked up the electric strip and shocked her several more times, adding that he had placed a piece of electric tape over her mouth during the jolts. After the last shock, Kirsten, 29, “fell over on to her face.”

Also, this is why: The choking game has been America’s deadly secret gasping for official attention. Ahh yes, nothing like the euphoria of the lack of oxygen during my teenage years. Made even better during the physical act of love; loss of essence.

By sure You all have heard of the incident at the club, The Nutcracker Suite, in which we invested several years ago.  Therefore I asked that a Committee be formed to investigate ways to make Our branch at The Campus safer for Our clients and those who volunteer their services.

From a quick once over of Our operation at The Campus, I’ve noticed a lack of general common sense when it comes to the Work environment.  I’ll admit having let these things go in the past, but We must be vigilant from here on out.

• There is to be no more smoking except if the client requests it specifically and you are to use the official smoking room.  We have flammable materials and costumes in use and Many have noticed unattended cigarettes and pipes left alight.
• Those who keep mogwais as pets, I don’t care if they whistle and add to the ambiance.  Do I really have to explain the danger? We don’t need the bad press after what happened in 2005. If you want something cute and fluffy, kittens should be enough.
• I am mandating re-training for Volunteers who keep firearms in their Environment.  Also, assault rifles will no longer be allowed for use during sessions.
• The tear gas room will still be open due to its popularity (I don’t understand it, either, especially the knockout gas substitute). But, like firearms, all Volunteers must re-train in proper gas mask usage.
• The mechanical Warg room will still be open.

The client caught on video tape by KDKA is no longer welcome as he is now deemed a security risk as has the volunteer who gave him the bad acid.

What could possibly go wrong with shooting down a failed U.S. spy satellite?  Where is Reagan’s “Star Wars” laser defense system?  I mean, the Chinese already have the Our Weather Dominator (Ok, the government dropped the ball on that when they did not take Our requests for help seriously in recovering the stolen plans).  We’re falling behind! China’s just banned ghosts from the internet, and Senator Spector’s plea to reinstate the Ghostbusters is meeting resistance from the White House.

After solving many of the world’s and its own problems, the Diocese of Pittsburgh has released radio advertisements saying what a great place St. Vincent’s College is because of their state-of-the-art porn filter. Yes, Catholicism lives up to its reputation of repressing sexuality since 107AD.  Yeah, that’s the way to attract students.  This was reported last month I guess.  But some good of it came about, collegehumor.com is blocked. I do not think the Catholics should be the Morality Police.  They can pretend to be, like when We were kids and would play Crocodile Dundee and Rico the drug dealer.

I’m finding the only time I ever listen to the radio is for Steelers or Penguins games.  Sometimes I wake up to the radio to the same five songs.  Radio giant Clear Channel is settling for $22 million dollars for the Great White fire that roasted 100 people alive.  Unfortunately, Clear Channel does not have to closeup shop nor does it have to stop promoting terrible music.  My letters to The Hague to have Clear Channel brass charged with crimes against humanity have not been answered.

The Office looks like it will return on April 10th.  We can all relax for a moment before realizing Harris Goldberg, writer of Duece Bigalow: Male Gigolo (the title itself doesn’t deserve to be properly notated, add that to the actual content of the movie…), is also receiving calls.  Hollywood must be desperate.

The Juice is at it again.

O.J. Simpson’s girlfriend Christie Prody was hospitalized in Miami Monday for what police are calling a “severe head injury,” “Entertainment Tonight” reported.

Happy Valentine’s Day, Christie!

And for the rest of you: Radio Station is giving away free divorce!

At the Columbus protest of Scientology, not one, but two people were hit by a bus. One was wounded pretty severely. This woman at the Columbus cult office when first mentioning the incident began to laugh as if it was hysterical. When she’s told it was the person on the phone, she changes her tone and then says that five of them wanted to go out and help, but was advised against it.  The video includes footage of one of the victims of the accident getting hit by the bus.

She went onto claim that she called the hospital to make sure those hit by the bus were alright. She says that Xenu is wacky and doesn’t know what Computer Science III is. How do you not know what Computer Science III is?

Here’s a video recap of the last month and how all this picketing came together.

Corporation logos and / or names on city high rises are bad enough. We’ve discussed this before. Now they want more of those god-awful LED billboards downtown.  If the way this bypassed everything isn’t some back-room dealing, I’m not sure what is.  Unfortunately due to the totalitarian media handling that is currently being imposed, Our source wasn’t able to get any reliable information on just how this happened.

[T]he authority asked the city zoning office for permission to put a 20-foot-by-60-foot LED advertising sign on the garage side facing Grant Street. The bottom of the sign would sit 32 feet above street level. Zoning administrator Susan Tymoczko approved it a week later.

City code normally would demand a zoning board review of a sign that, Mr. Ford confirms, is far larger than anything that had previously been on that site.

I bet they blame the hassles they’ve been having with the Hill District / Pens Arena and Casino and this was an “oversight”.

John DeSantis, executive director of the Duquesne Light Home & Garden Show, which will occupy the convention center next month, noted that city officials have long sought to turn Grant Street into a regal thoroughfare.

“If the culmination of this grand boulevard is this lighted, digital billboard, what did you go and spend all of that money for?”

Well, Mr. DeSantis, you must ask yourself: Why would this administration break the Pittsburgh trend of doing everything half-assed?

Thankfully, today, there was a sighting of common sense and the Council will review the LED billboard.

Pittsburgh City Council President Doug Shields said today that council will review a decision by city planners to permit a 1,200-square-foot LED sign on a Downtown garage and bus station that’s still under construction.

Unfortunately, Shields is for the billboard.  Why? Why? Why?  Oh, yeah, the money.

<read in Lewis Black’s voice>
I absolutely hate these electronic billboards that are slowly showing up around the city.  Now, not only do We have to deal with idiots lost downtown that are talking on their mobile phones, but now downtown drivers (We) will have to suffer the idiots that sit there, ignoring the light, because they’re looking at the pretty colors.

You are asking, “what kind of ads will we see?”  Edgar Snyder has already bought two years worth of ad rotation, he also just renewed his television commercial contract for 20 new commercials over the next seven years.  It’s bad enough that because of Snyder’s commercials my two-year old nephew already thinks he is his grandfather.

Next will be Zales or Kay jewelers.  At least they can’t play any music or sounds. “Hey, retarded men, go to Jared and be completely unoriginal this Valentine’s Day - we have blood diamonds for thirty percent off!  Remember, the more you spend on her the more she knows you love her!”
</read in Lewis Black’s voice>

Sheep.  All of them sheep!

Andrew Croulet was found wandering along Banksville Road wearing just socks on Sunday morning.

“I tried to offer a sweater to him,” said Kiray. “I was screaming to him. He had no idea who I was or that I was trying to talk to him. I don’t think he knew he was outside. He didn’t know he was cold - that’s for sure.”

Police eventually arrived on the scene and were able to subdue the man. Authorities identify him as 27-year-old Andrew Croulet of Brookline. They say he may have been running through the woods.

KDKA’s Ross Guidotti reports that police sources say Croulet was impaired or under the influence of something.

Ya think? Samwise was obviously under the influence of the Ring and had lost Mr. Frodo as Banksville Road is miles away from both he and Cirith Ungol.

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In a bit of promising news for once: Pittsburgh International Airport may actually become an international destination again after US Airways raped our horses and rode off on the women.

Some experts believe the “open skies” accord between the United States and the European Union, which takes effect at the end of March, could improve chances for medium-size cities like Pittsburgh to get nonstop flights to Europe, at least at some point.

Here is the timeline of events between Anonymous and Scientology. This should not be confused with John McCain’s timetables.
No other song would have worked to reflect the absurdity that is Scientology.   Now I originally wanted Rick Astley played when the Steelers’ opponents have possession of the ball.  But this is a close second.  Pittsburgh’s protest had about 30-40 in the freezing cold.  I wasn’t able to stay long.  Here’s a video taken by someone else who was there.

I don’t think Pittsburgh’s chapter of the Cult was Rickrolled as it was in other cities, however.   In Toronto, inside the Scientology Cult center, a woman was serenaded. Also at the DC Protest, Arnie Lerma told the Xenu story.  Also this woman’s story is heartbreaking.

Anonymous is Scientology’s Legion of Doom.  And remember not to feed the Trolls.  Scientologists kick.  There’s much more, too much for now. But here’s a “best of” video from the London protest. Sadly it uses that terrible trance remix of the Requiem for a Dream soundtrack.

The St. Petersburg Times (an “enemy of the Church”) has a  great article that shows some of the lunacy of the cult.  Here some some quips:

• Anonymous members brought a cake and sang Happy Birthday in [Lisa McPherson's] memory. They tried to lay plastic flowers outside the Fort Harrison Hotel where she died but police asked them not to, saying they would be trespassing.
• [C]hurch spokeswoman Pat Harney compared Anonymous to the Nazis and the Ku Klux Klan. “It’s similar to burning a cross on somebody’s lawn,” she said. “It’s a bunch of yahoos. They get on the Internet and they don’t use real communication.”
• Harney said the church would use the pictures to identify the protesters because any of them could be a security risk. Protesters scoffed at that.

Speaking of Nazis, Band of Brothers and Saving Private Ryan were on the History Channel and TNT respectively this weekend, which I spent most of my time watching.  If anyone uses paranoid rhetoric to ensnare their members like the Nazis it’s Scientology.  Even Ze Germans are wary of them.

Because of its experiences during the Nazi regime, Germany has a special responsibility to monitor the development of any extreme group within its borders — even when the group’s members are small in number. Given the indisputable evidence that the Scientology organization has repeatedly attempted to interfere with the American government and has harmed individuals within Germany, the German federal government has responded in a very measured legal fashion to the Scientology organization.

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From Philadelphia (taken from a forums post on Something Awful:

Say hello to a scientologist.

Hi Scientologist!

She was sent out like the rest of the scientologists to “give us a scare” by taking pictures and being silent and mysterious and all that.

Now, you may have heard, that the best answer to this is to have a guy on a megaphone reciting the Xenu story. And in fact, for most of the scientologists, this actually worked. They went back inside.

Would you like some literature?

She didn’t go back inside.

She, unlike the others, broke her firm resolve, and also broke into tears. (not shown on camera, sorry)

She stayed and listened. She heard about documented evidence of the CoS’s crimes. She heard about how these people who she thought were helping her, had killed others using the same techniques they were using on her. She heard the names, heard of their deaths. She heard about Operation Snow White. She heard it from 135 people who cared enough to come out and picket about it. She heard hundreds upon hundreds of cars honking for support.

She cried.

I don’t know what she’ll do next. But maybe she’ll get help. Maybe she’ll get out…

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There is another protest scheduled for March 15th, two days after L. Ron Hubbard’s birthday.

No, you cannot name your bar “Drunkenstein’s”.  Kurt William Havelock was denied a liquor license by a city council 6-1. At least one other person thought Drunkenstein’s was a good name for a drinking establishment.

I don’t know what’s better. The hair or the goggles.

What does a man of such style do? Why he plans to take out his revenge at the Super Bowl. In letters found he wrote:

“No one destroys my dream. No one,” one of Havelock’s letters read.  “I will test the theory that bullets speak louder than words… I will slay your children. I will shed the blood of the innocent.

“All this boils down down to an econopolitical confrontation. I cannot outvote, outspend, outtax or outincarcerate my enemies… but for a brief moment, I can outgun them,” the letter said.

Only he didn’t and pussied out and turned himself into police instead of outgunning the city.  He most likely will be outincarcerating everyone now.

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In more rampage news:

BATON ROUGE, La. - A young woman killed two female students in a college classroom at a vocational college Friday, then killed herself, police said.

A woman going on a murder rampage?  This is a refreshing change of pace.  It’s nice to see that equal opportunity exists outside of the workplace as well.

Celebrate Unity Night & Roll Back The Tax!

What Is It? A Celebration & a Fundraiser to Help Friends Against Counterproductive Taxation (FACT) Continue the Fight to Repeal the Allegheny County Drink Tax.

When Is It? Monday, February 11, 2008, 5:30 p.m. to 9:30 pm

Where Is It? Church Brew Works, 3525 Liberty Avenue, Lawrenceville, (412) 688-8200

What’s Included? Craft-brewed beers from Penn Brewery, The Church Brew Works & Rivertown Pour House! Savory food provided by the cities best chefs & local entertainment playing original music including the NoDrinkTax Jig by Terry Griffith!

Participation? Tickets are $40.00 per person.

TICKETS: Tickets can be obtained through FACT’s Website, www.stopdrinktax.com, and in person at (The Church Brew Works 688-8200, The Priory 231-3338 & Penn Brewery 237-9400 in the North Side & via www.pennbrew.com )

A silent auction of great gift baskets will be a part of the evenings activities. Event proceeds are used to finance activities seeking the repeal of the 10% County Drink Tax.

JOIN THE WHISKEY REBELLION II!

In 1794, the people of Western Pennsylvania banded together to fight against an unfair and counterproductive tax on whiskey. In 2008, farsighted voting Americans in Allegheny County have united to demand the repeal of the unfair and counterproductive 10% Drink Tax. Friends Against Counterproductive Taxation (FACT) has been on the forefront of the fight against this tax, and has to date spent hundred of hours and thousands of dollars opposing the Drink Tax. While the Drink Tax has been passed into law, FACT continues the fight to repeal the tax in the courts and through the political process. This is the Kick off Party for Whiskey Rebellion II, and like those citizens of long ago, FACT and its members and allies will not quit and will not go away until the political leaders of Allegheny County listen to their voices!

For more information, visit the website, www.stopdrinktax.com

Councilman Matt Drozd has projected a surplus from the Onorato Tax of 20 million.  What does he want to do with that surplus - why, he wants to give it back!  How nice of him.  So instead of raising property taxes, he’s giving a rebate in hopes of saving face and retaining his worthless seat on the County Council.

In any tax year in which revenue received from taxes authorized by Act 44 of 2007 exceeds the budgeted amounts for such revenue, the amount of the excess revenue shall be returned to the taxpayers of Allegheny County in the form of a property tax rebate.

Take money from the bartenders and give it to someone else.  That’s right, penalize them for the jobs they have.  Ladies and Gentleman, We now have the missing step. And we now have the “moneyshot” of the council’s actions over the last six months.

1. Introduce Drink Tax and claim there is no other choice other than a property tax.
2. Conspire with council on ways to make yourselves look good after the fact when you know there is going to be a huge surplus after burdening local bars and restaurants.  Remember: Look smug and try to hide the deception from public - learn from Belichick and Brady!
3. Give tax breaks to property owners.
4. Still have surplus, refuse to abolish drink tax.
5. Profit!

You could not have planned a better way for this to turn out!

Oh, wait, they probably did from the beginning.

Rumor has it the Port Authority lobbied non-profits to sign petitions in support of the drink tax and offered kickbacks in the form of “grants.” I place the idea of this from the twisted, evil mind of Dr. Martoni.    Hey, Martoni, Port Authority: you’re supposed to be in need of 30 million dollars.  Where is this phantom money going to come from?   Stop fucking the people on whom you rely.