Despite today’s weather, Our Official Leap Year Fashion Show will be held as scheduled on this hallowed Day of Farthing-days.  The reception begins promptly at 7pm at The Campus Bar with the runway exhibition at 8pm in Theatre D.  I’ve already had the opportunity of sleeping seeing this year’s models and I can say, I’ve been quite pleased.

Immediately after the show, The Ritual of the Solemn Rites will be held for the past year’s inductees.  Here they will face their final and most strenuous test of will.  I will be overseeing the Rites directly as I have the experience and know-how should anything go awry.  Barring international incident, the Rites should conclude just as the eleventh-hour passes and this Day of Farthing ends.

At midnight, Our annual Ides of March begins as those with seniority begin their month-long competition to determine the pecking order for the next year.  This year’s competition includes, but is not limited to, stand-up comedy, shark wrangling, royal tasing rumble, Java programming, hide-and-seek (this year Everyone will have a working paintball gun) and a three meter spring board diving event.  There are also daily standardized tests on Our Sacred Doctrine, a spelling contest and they will have to devise a land invasion strategy of Asia.   The top two competitors will then have a cage match battle of wits to determine who sits at My right and left hand.

We should wish Them all the best of luck.

Today in the Post-Gazette, in stead of solving city problems, figuring out how to unfuck itself, they are having the all-important hearing about Lamar’s ridiculous LED billboard which may be put at the corner of Liberty and Grant and thus becoming a distracting blight on the downtown landscape.

I’m really hoping this falls through.  I’m also hoping that someone, somewhere will hack into this thing and flash Goatse to the unsuspecting public.  That would be the only reason to put up such a terrible thing in the city would be to scare the public with a distended anus.

Again, it comes down to public process:

Members of the administration repeated their arguments today that no public process was required because the city has established a precedent of allowing Lamar to replace multiple vinyl billboards with smaller LED signs.

Most members of the public would probably prefer there to be no billboard signs anywhere at all. And this is where representative democracy fails for the most part.  I don’t know one councilman who discussed this “public” matter with any of their constituents.  Most probably just saw $$$.  Even the mayor.

“Whatever needs to be done, we’ll do,” Mr. Ravenstahl said, minutes before the start of today’s council hearing on the billboard. “We feel that we acted appropriately. If, for whatever reason, we have to go back through the [Zoning Board of Adjustment], for example, that’s something I’d be comfortable with and fine with.”

Luke, stop ending your sentences with prepositions.  You sound like a damn fool.

Councilman Patrick Dowd objected to the interrogatory tone of parts of the meeting. “This feels like we’re playing attorneys on television,” he said.

This is when, unexpectedly, Lenny Briscoe entered the room wielding a katana and challenged Councilman Dowd to a duel.

Dowd backed down and Briscoe said,”Yet another one cowed by my mere presence.”

Today’s City Paper has an article about Luke wanting to peer into our every day lives on the street.  Ravenstahl is upset because London already has “Ring of Steel” trademarked for their remarkable 10,000 CCTV system.  However, “Camera Curtain” is still on the table.

Luke thinks things like this happen all the time on the Streets of Pittsburgh:

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

By Gene Collier, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette

Myron Cope, colorful sports broadcaster and reporter whose Terrible Towel remains the banner of the Steelers nation, has died.

In declining health since even before his 2005 retirement after a record 35 years of Steelers broadcasts, Mr. Cope died this morning of respiratory failure.

He was 79.

One of the last of the great sports characters, Mr. Cope’s life and career were nothing less than book-worthy, even if he had to write it himself. Twice.

“Double Yoi” it was called both times, the second an updated version of the original 2002 volume, the title immortalizing one of Mr. Cope’s signature exclamations, which, along with “Okle-dokle,” “Dumbkopf!”, and “How do?”, became so familiar to his radio and TV audiences.

Not much I can add to it.

To clarify My recent revelation about Our Dream Catchers, The Double Slit Experiment (here’s a video) is not “two girls at the same time”.  But, to the girls who have asked me if that is what it meant, I like the cut of your jib.

Ladies and Gentleman, contrary to current popular and rampant rumor, J.J. Walker has not left the Congregation.  Unlike our enemy in the dangerous cult that is Scientology, It would surprise me greatly if anyone would want to leave Us;  to actually leave My presence is unfathomable.   Ladies and Gentleman, J.J. Walker has not left the Congregation because, unfortunately, he was never part of It.

Several of You have asked me personally how We are different from the creepiness that is Scientology.  Well, for one, You are not led by David Miscavige, a creepy asthmatic midget with a Napoleon complex.  Miscavige’s power is also an illusion.  There are men and women in the shadows who actually out-rank him and hold the power.  Do you really think a tenth grade dropout would have the knowledge or ability to stage a coup and retain power?  He is not debonair like I am.  Miscavige’s abused underlings have been leaving in droves as he spends too much time polishing Tom Cruise’s balls.  The fleshy thing that’s attached near them, he mistakes for a garden hose.

But enough about the asthmatic midget.   How do I differ?

I lead through love.  Not fear.  I command respect, but with love.  I may induce fear, but that’s only a result of not believing in my love.  We embark on this Great Adventure together, as one, with peace as Our ally and Wit and Sarcasm as Our Weapon.

We expose those who are against Us as We protect the weak, the ones unable to help themselves.  For in Righteousness, We find Peace.  And in peace We are able to exterminate those who are against Us.  We silently judge those around Us and take notes.

Dream Catchers to most people are ancient Anasazi voodoo. And they don’t work. Many people have tried them with the same lack of results. Most people don’t even use them properly. Who keeps them hanging from their rear-view mirror? Do they sleep in their car? They obviously are not true Believers as We are. You all know with undisputed Evidence in front of you that My recreation of the Dream Catcher does in fact work wonders.

It has to do with the Photoelectric effect and My own version of the Double Slit Experiment that some rumor to use four slits. I can neither confirm or deny this. To most people, this is still voodoo and I had an embarrassing date recently during which I tried to explain it. I’m not even getting into how it came up in conversation. But, really the jump from kittens to the Double Slit experiment is a feat only a few can make possible. I may, in fact, be the only one to have survived such a conversation and scored a second date.

How did I come to modify my specialty Dream Catchers? I had a dream in which the Former First Lady brought home two new kittens and two puppies. My kitten (named after a famous thought experiment), being her usual territorial self, channeled the behavior of her larger cousins in the panthura family, stalked and killed them all. It should be noted here that she only channeled the stalking aspect of their traits. For the kills, she used conventional weapons - razor choking wire, litter bomb (think car bomb), poisoned food (cyanide - where she acquired it, I have no idea, My private stores are locked in a safe) and a sniper rifle.

It was several days before I snapped out of it and stopped checking my food for poisons. Many of You were very brave for testing my food for me. Actually, none of You had a clue as to what I was actually doing. However, I know it’s only a matter of time. This is the evil kitten who hides the water bottle with which I threaten her when she claws the furniture.

But after a few more days, I delved into seclusion, passing Instruction by PGP encrypted morse code. I nearly died from the exhaustive work and the required number theory involved with what could have been known as My greatest gift to man-kind.

The end result was Our spectacular Dream Catcher.

When implanted into the brain, it uses my version of the Double Slit Experiment and a chemical version of the Photoelectric effect, it absorbs one’s dream and successfully separates the nightmares from the dream. In fact, this ground-breaking work should immediately be used by those who suffer from Night Terrors.

Dr. E. Brown in 1955 set the base theory and crude experimental devices for what I have achieved just over sixty years later. However, ours does more than tell if the person is there to sell subscriptions to the Saturday Evening Post. I dedicate this to his memory, whenever he may currently be. But without him present, it would have been much more difficult as licensing would have killed Our profits.

The applications outside of dream filtration is seemingly endless and has already given Us more data than We anticipated, which may be able to be used in the future. Think: Consciousness unfiltered and available to Psychologists and Psychiatrists. We could track (with GPS)  stop schizophrenics from acting on the voices they hear. It could even be another voice that they hear, and it could over power the harmful voices allowing the patient to live an actual life.

Be sure to Invest now because the applications for this, again, are endless!

From Our Senior Philosophical Correspondent Man:

I walked into the McDonald’s on Wood Street just a moment ago. While placing my order, a full brawl erupts. The booths clear. The counter people scatter. Little girls are dropping the f’bomb while punching rather large lads. An elderly lady got jacked in the bean which was rather sad. At least one window had been broken. All-in-all, I would say over 25 people participated, some of whom were employees

The cops have surrounded the place. They let me and another elderly man out of the building without incident.

At least I got my chicken sandwich.

This was Wednesday, February 20th around noon. Our philosophical correspondent has a problem with teleportation and time travel, hence his delay in reporting this interesting tidbit to me. If any of You think I’m glaring in his general direction, You would be correct.

Ahh, Wood and Liberty. This intersection draws in some interesting characters and where the Blue Dodge Caravan is most likely to be spotted. This is also the infamous corner at which someone shot themselves in the leg. Despite heavy Port Authority police presence, fights seem to erupt continuously in front of the McDonald’s, Arby’s and Sally Beauty Supply; I would venture to guess that half the sirens downtown hears are heading to this general vicinity. As a result of the violence which would cease and people benefit from Our presence, I’ve decided it a lost cause as it puts too many of Our lives in danger.

You can smell the Paranoia coming from Clearwater or Los Angeles.

The irony and wonder the CoS likes to refer to other groups which are against them as Nazi-like. Though it seems some of their practices in regards to auditing and now these knowledge reports are more like post-war East Germany and the Stasi. Though, since they think they are the superior race, they seem to have taken the best tenants of National Socialism and East German.

I wonder, do they have checkpoints in their buildings and grounds of their bases at which they ask, “papers, please!”?

Speaking of the Stasi, how quickly could the dangerous cult of Scientology destroy all the information they have on each other if the Feds were to raid? The Stasi couldn’t even effectively destroy everything. In fact there were 16,000 bags of ripped up paper recovered (not including in-tact records) after the Berlin Wall fell. Some of it is now being pieced back together by computer.
I doubt there is as many records as the real Stasi had on the East German people, but I’m sure there’s quite a bit.

Andrew Morton, who wrote the Tom Cruise biography, did an interview on CBC’s The Hour. The video podcast is now available. But beware, towards the end, Morton claims that his book sparked the protests. And maybe there’s a bit of truth to it, but really it was Scientology’s own practices that brought the Anonymous’ war against it when they tried to censor the Tom Cruise video released on YouTube in mid-January. Nice try though, Andrew.

It’s nice to see one of our enemies is coming unglued:

Radio silence was broken from within Scientology as one of my friends inside contacted me:

1. Brutal sec checking is going on.

1A. David Miscavige is using Anonymous to do some more house cleaning inside of Scientology. There is a renewed push to get all of the old Lafayette Ronald Hubbard books out of circulation. The informal rule was that LRH signed books or editions sold as collectibles could be kept, but apparently Miscavige wants it all purged. [CL note: Miscavige is apparently re-writing the "sacred texts" of Lafayette (something that was worthy of excommunication) so he can sell more books.]

1C. A Scieno NetNanny program will not come back. The PR would be too gruesome.

1D. Lawsuits are under discussion, but are a two way street: If CoS sues someone, or a group, CoS is subject to hostile cross-examination in open court. I remind everyone of Hubbard’s Dictum on attack lawsuits:

The DEFENSE of anything is UNTENABLE. The only way to defend anything is to ATTACK, and if you ever forget that then you will lose every battle you are ever in engaged in…

The purpose of the suit is to harass and discourage rather than win.

The law can be used very easily to harass, and enough harassment on somebody who is simply on the thin edge anyway, well knowing that he is not authorized, will generally be sufficient to cause professional decease. If possible, of course, ruin him utterly.

ref: http://www.cs.cmu.edu/~dst/Fishman/…ion/exhibg.html

2. Anonymous did go all the way to the top and get into [Miscavige]’s head. Anonymous needs to continue to press its attack and never get into a defensive mode. When you defend, you are playing Scientology’s game. Do what Hubbard did: Attack and never defend. Tell reporters that you welcome an investigation into Scientology. I will write more on this later, but for now: Do not talk about Anonymous per se. Simply say that Anonymous welcomes an investigation into Scientology by the media and law enforcement.

3. The Cult had to call in the FBI and had to disclose information about its OSA Intel Ops on Scientology critics. This is where we as critics need to file FOIA requests on these FBI reports. This is not a fast process, but the door is now open. IMO, the FBI does not know the full extent of OSA’s Intel Op. If you have any information you want me to send to the FBI on your behalf, simply send me a note: scienowriter@gmail.com

I do not need to know who you are. We can make arrangements that protect you.

4. My source said that everyone in CoS is writing KR’s [sic] because they are afraid of their own shadows. There is a big culture of “Cover Your Ass” so that you don’t lose your Bridge. [CL note: KRs are Knowledge Reports]

5. CoS is using the Anonymous Psych Threat and the “Cover Your Ass” atmosphere to sell Basics. Again, if you have not purchased the Basics, you are not a Scientologist. CoS wants that $4,000 or $5,000 from everyone who is in. If you are not in, you are out and that means Disconnection. OSA is using the Anonymous Psych Threat to its own advantage. Look for people who are PTS to be Declared in the next few weeks if they do not pay for and get into a handling or repair action. DM looks like he wants to spike earnings and stats based on the Anonymous Psych Threat: Fear sells.

6. I am told that the teenagers in CoS are bearing the brunt of OSA’s anger. Parents are being told to take their kids off the net and keep them off the net. Chances are that any Scienokids on the net are OSA Invest volunteers phishing for information.

7. The Jenna Miscavige statement to the press was huge. That statement is what OSA fears most that Scientologists will read and have begun to discredit Jenna. Jenna’s statement needs to be a hand out on March 15.

8. Expect a new wave of hate attacks from the Cult on Arnie, Tory, [Wise Beard Man], Andreas, etc.

9. The Anonymous attacks globally had a huge negative impact on Scientology and need to be continued.

10. Keep your eye on Will Smith. As LRH said of celebs:

‘These celebrities are well-guarded, well-barricaded, over-worked, aloof quarry. If you bring one of them home you will get a small plaque as your reward,’ Hubbard wrote to his followers

Heard around Hollywood is the rumor that Will Smith is being pushed extremely hard by Scientology to come out in its defense and to attack Anonymous and CoS critics as being “ignorant and dangerous” in reprisal of his December role. Will has apparently dug in his feet and said “enough” in a reasonable fear of his career.

11. Look for [African American] Scientologists to be brought in once again to play the race card. This is a usual CoS PR tactic.

12. A pleasant surprise will happen for the critics in the next few weeks. I can’t say more right now.