Because Pittsburgh has a general inability to let go of the past, Bon Jovi has added a second night at the Civic Arena. It’s rumored that Journey may book the entire month of April at the Civic Arena and two dates at Starlake Amphitheater.

Seriously?

From KDKA.com today:

Where’s the option for, “I’m not a fucking moron and I’ve been worried since we invaded Iraq / Bush re-elected in 2004?” Also, an alternative option for those capable of coherent rational thought during the 70s oil embargo: “This has been brewing for 30 plus years, you dumbasses.”

Sadly, instead of working in congress to fix the problem now, political candidates, Clinton and Obama decide to have a high school-like debate. A quick summary from Our chief political correspondent:

It was awesome at the beginning.
Then turned into rhetoric and bitching and high school.
Obama and Clinton were like “#@($)*@#)($*@)#(*!!!!!”.
And the audience was like BOOOO at Clinton.
And HELL YEAH when Obama told her off.
And she was like, “oh no you didn’t,” leaning on podium.
And then it got stupid.

“And then it got stupid” is most commonly attributed to every Presidential debate since 1979.

In other random outbreaks of common sense, Fred Thompson has ended his Presidential bid.

“Short of cash and sinking in national polls, Thompson had staked his hopes on South Carolina, where a strong showing could have reinvigorated his flagging campaign.”

In other words: America doesn’t remember him from Law and Order or such smash hits as or Baby’s Day Out or Feds. Well, Feds was okay.

And in some sad news, CNN.com currently has breaking news about actor Heath Ledger being found dead in his Manhattan apartment. Seriously, this is awful. I was looking forward to The Dark Knight and from the clips I’ve seen Ledger looked awesome as The Joker.

The real mystery won’t be the cause of death, but will be how such people like Spears, Hilton, Winehouse and other dregs of humanity have survived Ledger.

My mind is warped from how absurdly awesome this is (and the fact that I was sideswiped last night on Bigelow Blvd by a black Nissan Maxima - late 90s model) to add anything other than the fact, I want in on this deal.

Jim Mitchell, who owns Mitchell’s Restaurant, Bar & Banquet Center, wants to fight Onorato as part of a charity amateur boxing card on Feb. 9.

Except, when I win, all proceeds go to Our Efforts and the Drink Tax is repealed. Oronato is also not allowed to conjure demons or Bob O’Connor.

Stay out of the frickin’ Mon river!  If You’ve been in the Monongahela river since November of 2006, please report to The Campus’ decontamination chambers.

In Our crusade against insane lawsuits, this is the latest to pop up on the radar.  Instead of going after the man who caused the actual accident by running from police because he had a weapon and drugs in the car, they go after the ones with money.  While We should sympathize with the family, I don’t connect the dots between a traffic stop; a suspect then fleeing the police; suspect running red lights then slamming into another car and how it should fall on the burden of the city (taxpayers) and / or the police (taxpayers).  If the city and/or police do need to pay out, it just leaves room for Oronato to pull another tax out of his ass to cover the loss… or to pay for his bromantic trip to Europe with Luke.  I wonder if they’ll pose for pictures together at the Eiffel Tower.

Back to the bereaved, attorney Alan Perer unfortunately has the wrong mis-managed (possibly corrupt) institution in his sights.  Perer should instead be targeting Scientology.  Why?  Because Scientologists are the only ones who can help out at an accident.  Tom Cruise said it, it must be true!

“As you drive past, you know you have to do something about it because you know you’re the only one that can really help.” - The False Prophet Mapother

Why is Perer not holding them responsible? We have demanded answers, but Our repeated calls to his office have not been returned.

Now people have to deal with screaming kids and fat passengers encroaching on their personal space during flights, as well as idiot TSA workers at the airports, but now these unfortunate souls had to deal with Hillary Clinton and her mad-eye political rhetoric on their airplane.  Vegas to Reno is usually cat nap for travelers. To the right is a recent image of Clinton after the Black-hole Sun came to wash away the rain.

Next week, I will delve into more detail about my visit from my future-past self and what it means for all of Us and mankind.

Also, my new manuscript has been denied by yet another publisher.

Animated puppet-master Dan Oronato did his best political-spin talk last night in his movement to justify his drink tax on Allegheny County. The Spin was worthy of sound-bites usually spewed from the mouth of George W. Bush. Oronato’s black-and-white rhetoric was so dizzying that it was hard to tell if he suffered from the same double-speak of which Bush is also fond.

Drink tax or Property tax? Let’s see, how about forcing your buddies at the Port Authority to fix their problems? How about having an independent commission appoint someone coherent and not delusional to run the Port Authority in the useless and inept CEO’s stead?

“Onorato is clearly color-blind,” one attendee stated after the hearing, asking not to be named for his job working under the council. “It must be devastating to see only things in pen and ink, like a bad photocopy. I weep for his children. I wonder if he taxes his own children for the milk they drink.” Another chimed in, “[Onorato]’s like a child and it’s either this Tonka Toy or a Transformer, he doesn’t see the budding and mind-opening potential of the Lego sets in the corner. He’s truly a disaster and I fear for Allegheny County.”

Oronato is Schillinger and the County is Beecher; and in this case Oronato clearly has a hard-on for fucking the county further and making it his bitch.

Unfortunately, even those who attempted to stand up to Oronato failed to deliver any ideas of their own. I am of the opinion this was staged by Oronato himself (notice his animated movements, clearly he is pulling strings on his marionettes - or he’s using The Force, which is highly unlikely) or was working along with the callow councilpersons to further establish Oronato’s hard-line stance of the County’s drinking. You know who else had hard-line stances on things and wouldn’t budge… that’s right.

The only thing Oronato would not talk about, surprisingly, was his $5,000 dollar suit. C’MON!

If Oronato attempts to impose his hard-line rule over Us, it may be time to move to Project 2. I hear there is a Committee which has formed to discuss the Moonshine operations and ways to make it safe for human consumption. I do look forward to the Committee’s findings and if it is financially sound, We will move to the next Round.

Ladies and Gentlemen, please take a few moments or as long as You can force yourself to muddle through this insanity, and read how not to run your murderous scam of an organization.

Then, please take a few moments to watch as much of this video of the clearly (high / insane / delusional Tom Cruise - aka: The False Prophet) which Gawker is refusing to remove from their website.

Gawker.com:

You have to watch this video. It shows Tom Cruise, with all the wide-eyed fervor that he brings to the promotion of a movie, making the argument for Scientology, the bizarre 20th-century religion. Making the argument is an understatement. The Hollywood actor, star of movies such as Mission Impossible, is a complete fanatic. “When you’re a Scientologist, and you drive by an accident, you know you have to do something about it, because you know you’re the only one who can really help… We are the way to happiness. We can bring peace and unite cultures.” There’s much much more. Let me put it this way: if Tom Cruise jumping on Oprah’s couch was an 8 on the scale of scary, this is a 10.

If any of Us pull a PR stunt such as this, you will face excommunication. We do not tolerate idiocy nor do We practice it.

Residents in Squirrel Hill call for an Entmoot in wake of Pittsburgh Public Works Director Guy “Saruman” Costa revelation that the trees pose a hazard and even brought in a consulting company to agree with him. The Ents are not pleased.

SQUIRREL HILL (KDKA) ― Thousands of shade trees in Pittsburgh neighborhoods are coming down as part of the city’s plan to remove old or dying trees.

But some residents in Squirrel Hill were caught off guard by the program and want it stopped until the matter can be discussed in a public forum.

Resident Terri Glueck calls the damage irreversible.

“It will denude this entire block of its green leafy canopy and make a dramatic and diminished impact on the neighborhood,” she said.

…the $8 million plan is still largely unfunded, currently lacking the money for the replacement trees. And the residents are tying green ribbons around many of the trees saying they’re still viable and should be spared.

In response, I encourage Everyone to tie a tree-hugger to one of the listed trees in peaceful protest. We will be responsible for their welfare during this critical time of deforestation. Schedules will be provided for feeding and watering. Additional tree-huggers will be imported from the West coast and held in reserve should the need arise. However, I would prefer not to have a repeat of the 1994 Massacre in the Amazon Rainforest, during which the tree-huggers became loose and killed seventy-seven deforestation workers, wounded another 217 before they could be tranquilized and shipped back to the U.S.

Twenty-three tree-huggers are still unaccounted for and have been written off for tax purposes.

Where was Conklin earlier in the season? And hopefully the Pens can start winning games in their division!

Astronomers have discovered the Double Einstein Ring. I would have preferred they not find it this soon as they cannot possibly fathom Its meaning. We will discuss Its meaning and message when We next Gather.

Another cosmological view We need to keep an eye on is the colliding of the planets. More research and observation are needed to know if this is collision for which We’re supposed to be on the lookout. I cannot reveal more about it here, but as with the above, will discuss at the Gather.

The object, 2M1207B, has puzzled astronomers because its existence seems to defy physical possibility. Its temperature, luminosity, age and location do not match any theory.

That is what distresses Us most. Some of Our initiatives may have to be accelerated and others put on hold. Everyone must be at the ready.

I find it shameful that the sentence for rape isn’t immediate castration. Then We might not have to worry about idiotic loop-holes in our Judicial system and this asshole walking the streets. I fear for all of Us in this circumstance and extra security measures will be in place to keep Edward Green off of The Campus and away from Us. I’m looking into private security detail that may be made available on request; also instituting our own local revolutionary security guard force. For those who think They may be more comfortable with a taser, please contact the munitions council.

“We couldn’t get him back because he assaulted the officers who attempted to arrest him in Georgia,” Mr. McCarthy said. “We attempted to get him back.”

I guess, in between the lines, this is advice for criminals - flee the state, commit simple assault, serve a tenth of what would be your sentence then cry foul for not having a speedy trial. Huzzah!

In other government abusing loop-hole news:

I, for one, am thankful for the inherently flawed government agencies such as the FBI. Yes, “[t]elephone companies have cut off FBI wiretaps used to eavesdrop on suspected criminals because of the bureau’s repeated failures to pay phone bills on time.” These are the companies that were probably willing-to-bend-over-and-take-it-from-the-government-like-a-dirty-slut anyway they could. Until they weren’t paid.

More than half of 990 bills to pay for telecommunication surveillance in five unidentified FBI field offices were not paid on time, the report shows. In one office alone, unpaid costs for wiretaps from one phone company totaled $66,000.

–

Poor supervision of the program also allowed one agent to steal $25,000, the audit said.

Brilliant. I’m sure the Telephone Companies (most likely AT&T and other scum companies) now feel like cheap whores who did not get paid for their hour. Hey, maybe now they understand what their customers mean when they say they are being fucked over!

So what does this mean for Us? A new manual is being put together with a slimed down and revised / updated codebase. The current version is bleeding money, mainly with time spent encoding and decoding sensitive messages.

But don’t applaud the Telcos just yet. Ma Bell is with the ill-communication and wants to start filtering the internet. As We have forseen this for sometime, our IP v6 network is nearly ready. When it is, Our own version of the internet will be released.

After the launch of Our Second Internet 2, it has also been decreed that it is the opinion of Us and many others not associated with Us or loosely associated with Us that AT&T and many other companies’ top brass should be hoarded like sheep into The Field - what will by that time be known formerly as Heinz field - and forced to salute Us before they fight to the death. The winner will then have to attend every Pirate game until they have a winning season.

Pittsburgh is getting a bioterror lab. They are just waiting for an upgrade for the water line, which hopefully should reduce the risk of bio-terrors from the Allegheny river.

We’d better start drinking. To make the new Oronato Tax remotely effective, Allegheny county would have to drink well over 150 million alcoholic beverages. I’m sure Steeler Nation could step it up a bit to make it easier. Especially to drown out the memories of last Saturday’s loss to Jacksonville.

Converted into poured liquor taxes, figuring the new 10 percent tax on a $2 bottle of beer, we’d have to drink 5,315,810 beers just to pick up the parachute tab for just this one retiree.

The Port Authority’s former CEO will additionally get $108,798 in retirement income from the Port Authority each year from 2005 until 2014. That’s another $1,087,980 — the tax on 5,439,900 more beers.

After 2014, the former CEO receives $102,798 every year for life. If he’s lucky enough to make it to 90, that’s $3,083,940 — the tax on another 15,419,700 beers.

We have our work cut out for us. Way to mis-manage, guys! The rest of the country now has a template on how to abuse the very people they serve in numerous ways.

Pittsburgh seniors will have to wait until May 2009 to dump their life savings and social security checks. This will not have an affect on Us since We have been pre-emptively banned from the casino. However, Those who live on the North Shore / Side may have increased traffic nightmares since our proposal for traffic prosperity was denied.

Fear-monger Pat Robertson has predicted more doom and gloom for the world in 2008 even after his prophesied nuclear attack of 2007 failed to happen.

“I also believe the Lord was saying by 2009, maybe 2010, there’s going to be a major stock market crash,” said Robertson, who is a millionaire businessman as well as an evangelical leader.

But don’t unload your portfolio just yet. Robertson acknowledged Wednesday that his prophecy of a nuclear terror attack in 2007 failed to unfold.

He also cited information from God when he predicted on a year go that major U.S. cities would be hit by “very serious terrorist attacks” causing “possibly millions” of deaths.

Perhaps Robertson should hide in a cave, inhale natural gas (or smoke some opium) and give long-term predictions. Look how well they worked for Nostradamus. I wrote Mr. Robertson in October of 2007 offering my own visions for what 2008 would bring Us as well as the rest of the world. Also if he would care to comment on the rise of the Twelve Tribes of Israel and their effect on Scientology and aliens. Mr. Robertson’s assistant replied that he was offended of our blasphemous words and that our Order was a threat to world peace.

I look forward to his prophecies in 2011 about 2012. Perhaps Mr. Robertson would like to make some predictions about Port Authority?

As a reminder for Everyone, you will never be asked (or forced) to accept any mark upon your body. Especially your hands. Hands are extremely useful for a number of things. I’d like to ask for his description of what the mark looked like. Was it textured? Indented or raised skin? If it was on the forearm, he may have been a Death Eater.

A man who believed he bore the “mark of the beast” used a circular saw to cut off one hand, then cooked it in the microwave.

Wait, what?

“It had been somewhat cooked by the time the deputy arrived,” sheriff’s Capt. Ben Wolfinger said.

I can stretch to understand the removal of the hand, but to microwave it? Ladies and gentlemen, We all know that to remove a demonic spirit, they must be burned and turned to ash as they are immune to many forms of radiation.

In other crackpot religion tax-exempt scam news, let Us speak of true mark of the beast: it seems Katie Holmes may have accepted it… Claims (which should surprise none of Us) have recently surfaced in a book which claims Suri Cruise was not fathered by the false-prophet Mapathor.

“Some sect members believed that Katie Holmes was carrying the baby who would be the vessel for L. Ron Hubbard’s spirit when he returned around the galaxy.”

Cruise’s lawyer Bert Fields says, “He’s very angry. It’s so bizarre and grotesque to imply that Suri is fathered by the frozen sperm of L. Ron Hubbard. You just look at Suri, and you see Tom and Katie.”

While We should not be surprised by these claims even if they are true, We know that they are not. We know, with little doubt, that David Miscavige stole L. Ron’s sperm and used it to clone L. Ron. He failed. Anyone want to take a guess what he did with it next?

How does this affect Xenu’s plans for the domination of Earth? We cannot be sure, he has not been seen for seventy-five million years. but even though neither of the above if true would ever affect Us, to fortify our strong hold, I may soon need an Heir. The world may or may not be in grave danger, but from whom? We will discuss this further at the next Gathering.

For more about the idiocy that is Scientology, http://www.lermanet.com or http://www.xenu.net

“When this baby hits 88 miles-per-hour, you’re going to see some serious shit.”

A 21-year-old Florida woman has pleaded guilty in connection with the death of an unborn child during a drag race in 2006 in Westmoreland County.

…

Eighteen-year-old Nicole Clark was a passenger in the car that was hit. She was four months pregnant and lost the baby as a result.

Authorities say Ms. Schaub was driving at 88 mph in a 40 mph zone seconds before the crash.

Doc Brown, your calculations were correct. Even though Our time-travel experiments will continue, I want to point out that simply causing a four-month life-reset is not time travel. It may be a loop-hole, however.

I’m calling it first: Oronato, if he runs for governor and is elected, will impose a state-wide Drink Oronato Tax. The Allegheny County Oronato Tax will, of course, not be redacted and it will become twenty percent in the county. I have already started making preparations for Us to begin brewing Our own selections of beer. Unlike during prohibition, We will not rekindle Our moonshine business. The allegations that Our moonshine recipe included yellow cake and caused cases of blindness, reports of hair and fingernail loss were not factored into this decision. Please do not feed the rumors. The one rumor to be proven true was that contact with albino skin did cause severe burns.

Speaking of rumors: the rumored outbreak of common sense among city and county officials (excluding Bill Peduto) is unfortunately without merit.

Also, Our continued requests for the skull of the cow’s head in this recent case, which just came to a close, have continued to be ignored. We also cannot get confirmation on if the remains had in fact been destroyed. This further delays Our project of a Skeletal Noah’s Ark.