Several years ago, as Everyone may recall, We had a break-in at The Campus offices and it was noticed that several of Our up-and-coming projects had been compromised.  This was a difficult hour for Us all, however it led to the new security installations as well as the development of Our industry-leading Automated Sentry Server.

Granted there were a few bugs to fix up in the early going, but those who sustained injury recovered quickly and We completely covered their medical expenses.  Thankfully, no amputation was necessary as it was rumored shortly after the incident occurred.

What was stolen from Our offices back in 2003?  Our weather machine.   Many of You knew this is what was stolen already, but now We know who stole it:  The Chinese.  They already are claiming to stop the rain at the Olympics.

“CHINESE weather boffins say they have stopped the rain from falling in experiments aimed at guaranteeing a dry opening ceremony at August’s Olympic Games.”

There go Our millions, Our billions.  More specifically it was the Chinese Organizational Bureaucracy of Reproductive Anemometers.  I assume this group was working for, if not with, the Chinese government, who at this time is disavowing knowledge of this secret Chinese Command.

How the theft was pulled off is still a mystery, how We were infiltrated, not so much: We had three labs assigned to this dangerous assignment capable of god-like changes in the weather.  One was in the Arctic, another on an isolated island in the Pacific (on of the many atolls in the area) and the main lab hidden within an Aztec temple which the Mexican government let Us use in exchange for licensing rights. One of the chief scientists working on Our project, some of you may remember, was a Scotsman named Dr. McCullen.  Our recent intelligence implies Dr. McCullen was the leak, the same intelligence brands him as an international arms dealer with strong ties to the Chinese organization.

“What do We do now,” is what you might be asking Yourselves.  For now, We wait.

Now, We are all for Mob Justice, but unfortunately We are inhibited by the law and in the face of self-preservation We cannot put ourselves at risk.  But I must agree that it’s nice to see that vengeance is still carried out in the modern world.

Police say Terry Sherlock shot and killed 28-year-old Kenneth Himrod, who was being investigated on allegations he molested Mr. Sherlock’s son. Police accuse Mr. Sherlock’s wife of driving her husband to the shooting and helping to hide the gun.

It would have made a better story had Terry Sherlock went after Himrod with a pitchfork then burned his corpse with his torch.  To be successful, however, he probably should have rallied some help.

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Now with the Mob Justice initiative, why does this not happen more often?  I mean one would just need to get a group of people thinking as a collective or a hive-mind.  Then sites like Myspace and Facebook wouldn’t have to worry about stopping sex offenders from joining their sites and preying on the children. Well, actually, they still would - but at least the government would try to do its share to protect kids as well.

I mean, a mob wouldn’t have to necessarily kill the offender, but perhaps they could just cut off their hands.  Unless said offender could afford a Hawking-like eye reader to use the computer, their chances of actually being successful dwindles dramatically.  Also I think most young kids (and probably adults) would go running from someone with no hands. Plus how would they drive their car to Chris Hansen’s house? Would they take the bus instead?

A law could be written to do something proactive and make it mandatory to ban sex offenders from using or getting near a computer like others who are involved in different types of computer crime.

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There seems to be the makings of a potential serial killer on the loose in the Poconos.  I’m calling it first here.  I am dubbing him “The Poconos Pillager.”

Someone scattered human remains - including a severed head - in trash bags along the Interstate 80-380 corridor through Monroe County and into Lackawanna County.

Police said eight bags at eight different locations have been recovered so far. They’re not sure they have all of the remains.

If the Pennsylvania State Police need any assistance in this grisly event, I have on-call a team of professionals who can work… for lack of a better term… slightly outside the rules and regulations you must follow.  Their success rate is eighty-nine percent.  The eleven percent failure rate is due to bad intelligence, bureaucracy (such as when DHS pulls jurisdiction) and witchcraft.

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And just when We were hoping for a cleaner city now kids have a place to pee outside of the pool.

Pittsburgh neighborhoods that no longer have pools might soon get “splash zones” under an emerging plan billed as a way to provide wet fun for fewer dollars.

Where’s the genius in this? I need to personally address Parks Director Duane Ashley:  The homeless already cover our streets with urine, now you want to add more?  At least in the pool there was chlorine or bromine to keep it in check… Sigh.

Anonymous has been giving Scientology the business for the past couple of weeks.  I planned on summing this up and posting it here, but there’s just so much.  I suggest people read this thread posted on the Something Awful Forums which does the job better.

Also this is a nice clean overview of the crazy that they encounter / deal with.

Oh, and their leader, David Miscavige, is truly a sadistic asshole.  I hope You All think differently of Me.  This is a posting that describes a game in which Miscavige pits his”underlings” against each other in a game of Musical Chairs.  What could go wrong you say?

“It was very sad to watch. People, who were best friends for years, were throwing their best friend to the ground for a chance to get a seat in a chair. Most of the people who had lost were just made to stand there and wait. Wait and do nothing except wonder where you would end up, what would you do, who would you ever see again?”

I’ll post some more highlights here in the next few days.  Remember it all started with the leak of the Tom Cruise video which some morons are trying to spin as a positive thing for the Dangerous Cult…

From IMDB.com: Leaked videos of Tom Cruise singing the praises of Scientology were good publicity for the controversial religion, church elders have confirmed. Footage of an energized Cruise promoting the religion found its way onto the internet last week, prompting an outpouring of criticism aimed at the star. But Scientology bosses insist the star’s bizarre monologues, in which he referred to the faith as “a blast” and saluted a statue of founder L. Ron Hubbard boosted the church’s profile. <snip> Scientologist Kirstie Alley came to Cruise’s defense… She said, “Tom was using words meant for a Scientology audience. On the web, the video is take out of context. It’s like a rabbi addressing a Christian church, speaking in Hebrew. No one would understand him.”

Like Kirstie Alley is relevant.  A rabbi also would not be spreading lies and trying to actively deceive people (aside from that whole god thing), he would prefer to genuinely help them.  A rabbi would  not scam them out of their life-savings just as I would not scam you out of yours.

And the rumors just keep getting better.  Apparently, Katie Holmes had a sudden outbreak of common sense.

A distraught Katie Holmes has stormed out of a crisis meeting with her husband Tom Cruise, furious over damaging publicity about his Scientology beliefs, and humiliated over the disastrous reaction to the movie he told her to make.

Maybe she’ll stay in reality this time.

In related happenings, Scientologists also have their own (and probably just as wacky) version of Craig’s List called thetalinks.com.

About Thetalinks: Thetalinks is the number one community classifieds site for Scientologists around the globe. It was started in Oct 2006 and has expanded rapidly because of its simplicity and effectiveness. Thetalinks is based out of Los Angeles, California and its company webpage is www.thetalinks.com

Read the full press release here: http://www.emediawire.com/releases/2008/1/prweb664863.htm Sadly, they don’t seem to have any romantic encounters sections.

Why don’t We have our own version of Thetalinks or Craig’s List?  It’s on Our TODO list, so relax, it’s coming.

Why is our sky-line being constantly marred by corporations?  I mean Mellon was bad enough, but it’s been there as long as I can remember.  Then there was the disturbance in the internet known as FreeMarkets… Now we get a law firm?

Reed Smith will add its name to the city skyline when it moves into the new PNC skyscraper in 2009.

The city Planning Commission today gave approval for the law firm to put its name at the top of the 23-story Three PNC Plaza building under construction on Fifth Avenue, Downtown.

At least it’s not Edgar Snyder.  Our source inside informed Us that Edgar Snyder lobbied for one, but they wouldn’t approve a sign that was the image of an ambulance being chased by lawyers (see right).  We were also informed that Mayor Luke Ravenstahl was also denied a marble statue of himself on Grant Street, but that was requested by him when he was president of the City Council.

Call Us jaded since, in 1999, We were denied the opportunity to have Our own downtown marquee on one of the high-rises; it would have been haunting, but tasteful.  A beret and aviators, what would be better?  Comments from those who denied Us said it was too big brother-ish for a private organization.  I recently asked about the rumors to install a huge camera and spotlight from the new UPMC sign on the USX Tower and was then promptly removed from the room.

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Even though it makes it easier to transport children, even illegally across international lines, I encourage Everyone not to put your ten year old into a dog crate.

A Washington County woman is accused of locking her 10-year-old grandson in a feces-filled dog crate for about 90 minutes.

Police say 51-year-old Rhonda Lehman of Washington put the boy in the crate Saturday because the boy laced the family’s drinks with lamp oil and household cleaner. The boy says he was angry at his family.

While children should be neither see nor heard, putting them into a dog crate isn’t necessarily the answer.  Also, just what are you doing to them that would make them want to poison you?

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Also, a general reminder to show some common sense when carrying out Our objectives.  Please do not hire third-parties (or advertise for them) on public sites such as Craig’s List.   We have Our own network and Cleaner that We may use for that.

Ann Marie Linscott, 49, offered $5,000 for the hit, had the name and work address of the woman she wanted dead and in e-mails with stunned job seekers described successful candidates as “silent assassins,” according to agents and court documents.

It just shows that human stupidity knows no bounds in this world. I believe Everyone would agree with Me that subculture of stupid humans should be henceforth eradicated from society.  Not culled from existence as that would attract too much attention.  But perhaps an island somewhere.

See? I was right.  Our Chief Political Correspondent confirms that in Friday’s Trib. p.m. that the $600 tax rebate is going to be spent on Drugs.  Prostitution is still yet to be confirmed as I am still awaiting female volunteers to walk the streets.  Volunteers should see “Frank” at the next Gathering.

Jason Bay is disappointed about the Pirates’ off-season moves.

“I kind of painted myself into a corner when I said last year that there needed to be some moves made, whether I was part of that or not,” Bay said at the team’s annual media luncheon at PNC Park. “And there were some moves, but probably not the type I was referring to. There was a lot of management and coaching moves. I still think there need to be player moves.”

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

Cultlord.com Upset about the Pirates’ Last Fifteen Years

I’m actually not going to waste time writing about it.  I’ll let you shake your head at your computer or perhaps slam it against your desk in disappointment.

The Federal Government wants to stop kids from learning.

The federal government is asking Pennsylvania’s student-loan agency to repay as much as $15 million that officials say it received in excess loan subsidies over a two-year period.

It’s thought that they need the money back to help cover the pointless $600 tax rebates that might be coming up. Really, what is $600 going to do for someone? Most people We know outside of Our Congregation will use it on drugs and prostitutes.

In a press release, from his five-star resort in Europe, Dan Oronato complained that the rebate is being issued too soon because Pittsburgh’s Casino is not yet built. Oronato’s plan to lure people to spend their rebates by cashing their government checks at the casino is still only in its planning stages.

“The goal of course, ” said Oronato, “is to offer check cashing services for federal and state income tax refunds.  We should have the operation ready to go for the May 2009 [casino] opening just as millions of Pennsylvanians (as well as Ohio and West Virginia residents) get their tax refunds.  No cashing fee, nothing.”

In other oddities, a vehicle driven by a Clarion County woman was repeatedly rammed in Redbank early this morning by an SUV.  Kathy Bates is wanted by Pennsylvania State Police for questioning.

In more important issues, as requested by the Congregation, I am currently pursuing applicants so that I may one day provide You all with an Heir to lead when my time comes to depart this rock.  The search has been lackluster and I have yet to receive a response.  I am looking for suggestions in my approach.  The bar scene isn’t really my thing so it was suggested to be to try Craig’s List.  I found a few potential ones:

Wrote “Yummy Mummy“:

Single, white, female seeks…….okay, thats lame……

How about this??????

Smart, sexy, confident, secure, finacial-emotionally and mentally stable, 34 year old single mother…..

Tall, Italian, dark curly hair, dark brown eyes, full pouty lips….

I’m into art, theatre, movies, traveling, reading, cooking, road trips, gambling…..very upbeat and outgoing.

It would be nice to find a man with some common interests, must be fun, witty, and an all around “good guy.”

Not looking to rush into a relationship…..also NOT looking for a one night stand, FWB, or hook up…..just someone who I enjoy spending time with…..who I look forward to seeing … Let’s just take it one day at a time and see what happens….no expectations….no lables…no drama….it is what it is….make sense?

Enough about me

It’s your turn….tell me about YOU!!!!

Your pic gets mine.

I respond:

I noticed your ad on Craig’s List.  I’m writing because I’m interested.  You say you’re yummy and I’m ready to believe you.  Just like when you state you have a child.

How convenient.

I am currently looking for an heir.  They just might do. My congregation has ruled that I must provide them with an heir.  They will require guidance, instruction and discipline with smooth transition when the heir comes of age.  With an iron fist they will rule and control those under them.  Monuments will be built in our graven images and streets will be named.  Secret campaigns will be held in our name to keep competition minimum.  It will be glorious.

Therefore your own demon-spawn may work until you provide me with offspring of my own seed.  It’s only fitting.  Our lord and savior may require I make a sacrifice of him.

Please get back to me when you can with an answer.  There are millions of lives at stake.

Many of You at the last Gathering suggested to try the web for new guard Wargs after Lucy escaped and quite possibly mauled five people at the Hannah Montana concert.   I’m glad to report that the rumors she carried off a small child were not true.  He was found behind a dumpster and in good spirits.  The doctors were able to re-attach the boy’s arm. So, I have posted looking for two new Norwegian Wargs.

We are looking to adopt male or female Norwegian Warg puppies. In the past We have successfully raised several families of Pit Bulls and fostered them out to good and loving homes. We feel we are now ready for a new challenge and hope there is someone out there who may be able to help Us out.

We have a loving home and plenty of open space for them to roam, exercise and hunt game (rabbits, deer and bears as they get older).

Please email only if you know of a Norwegian Warg or know of someone with one this breed available for adoption. Thank you.

Hopefully Our search for them won’t last very long.  Why Norwegian?  I hear they are easier to train, more loyal and not as ill-tempered and there is no chance of inbreeding as with their French cousins.

I’ll start with a quick note to Everyone:  Pirate Fest is not to be confused with Talk Like a Pirate Day or His Noodly Appendage’s most precious followers: Pirates.  As a result, I encourage Us all to dress like the Dread Pirate Roberts anyway and attend Pirate Fest in hopes that they may hit .500.

One of Our sources in the County offices has reported that Dan “Tax” Oronato has been overheard yelling at subordinates by phone from Europe and claiming he’ll never speak to Post Gazette reporters again after today’s article about how ill-prepared the county is to deal with pathological gamblers.

“If you don’t ask, you don’t know,” Dr. Engel said of the gambling problem, which is generally easier to conceal than other addictions.

Oronato was overheard mocking Dr. Engel while he spoke from his hotel room to no one in particular. “That’s exactly the point, Engel - keep them blind to the consequences. C’MON!”  Other rumored quotes from Oronato include such gems as:  “Dammit!  We need the social security money from seniors to pay for public transit, hopefully they can’t read the small print of the Post Gazette.” and “Get me Luke and tell him we may need yet another revenue source and get me a list of things that we don’t tax or aren’t taxed enough”

Oronato was also reported to have Googled for information on how to put up a toll booth at the Pennsylvania / West Virginia border on interstate 79 to keep compulsive gamblers at the North Side’s casino.  Barden has not returned any correspondence in regards to Our status with the soon-to-open-maybe-in-2009-but-probably-delayed-because-of-unforseen-idiocy casino.

As a reminder: Travel for Us to West Virginia is not recommended since opposition groups are still a danger to Us when traveling to the Casino. This was supposed to be settled at the Summit of 2004, however some rogue groups who live out of congregations of trailers continue to ignore its accord.  I should not need remind You all the damage that buckshot can cause Your person and / or vehicle.

We’ve enjoyed his work since Sliders… hell, since My Secret Identity… actually, We mean Stand By Me. But this puts Jerry O’Connell in a light of his own.

“As an actor when you drive past an accident and you see it. Don’t do anything because you don’t want to be involved.. insurance and any sort of litigation.”

He even portrays the blank stare that brain-washed Scientologists have perfectly.

Speaking of Cruise’s insane view on car accidents, would he help out Bill Peduto?